We Are All Witnesses To Jazz Losses. **UPDATED!**

Will Ben and Andrew Cashmere’s friendship survive the Jazz/Cavs game?

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If you’ve wondered what kind of abuse you’re in for by wearing a vintage John Stockton jersey to a Jazz/Cavs game in Cleveland, the worst thing you’ll hear is, “You’re living in the past!” But it also might be true.

The Cavs rallied late to beat Utah 107-103, with LeBron James scoring the final eight Cavs points to seal the win. When Cleveland needed him, James simply barrelled into/through Andrei Kirilenko to get to the free throw line. I can now witness myself: LeBron is pretty good. (Even though his stat line wasn’t exactly gaudy: 21-6-9 plus a nasty block on ex-teammate/traitor, Carlos Boozer.)

Let the record show that my wife was cheering for the Cavs during crunchtime and that she told me, when the outcome was still in doubt, that if Utah won I had to “take that jersey off” while leaving the arena. As if enraged Cavs fans were going to stone us to death or something.

You hate to admit that you didn’t expect your own team to win, but Utah was playing without Deron Williams (taking a leave of absence for personal reasons), starting a rookie backcourt, and on the final night of a four game East Coast swing. I didn’t expect them to win.

So am I disappointed they didn’t pull it out? Yes. I want it all.

Still. Eric Maynor had himself a pretty good game starting in Deron’s place, scoring 24 points in a game high 41 minutes. After Mo Williams stripped him early in the game, Maynor trailed him up the court and picked him from behind. He’d get swiped again and burned at least a couple times before the night was over, but Maynor always came right back at Williams and hit several tough runners in the paint.

Other observations from the nose bleed seats (our tickets from StubHub were in the very last row of the upper deck):

• Andrei Kirilenko is going without a gelled look this year. His hair is kind of floppish. Makes him look younger. He probably gets a lot of trash talk about it.
• Mehmet Okur looks even slower in person. But like most Turks, he’s crafty. (He also had a plus/minus of -14.)
• When was the last time Jerry Sloan started two rookies in the backcourt? Maybe never?
• Erin wondered aloud which professional sports fans are the most physically fit. Based on her firsthand research, she was willing to go on record with NBA fans. Nobody seriously disagreed.
• The Cavs’ player introduction video, set to the “Ride of the Valkyries,” features Shaquille O’Neal rising out of Lake Erie like a sea monster.

Now, more photos!

If you look closely, you can see our noses bleeding.

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“Andrew, we took nine photos of us with flames shooting from the scoreboard. Time to come up with some captions!”

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“Ben, I guarantee our captions will be funnier than Jay Leno.”¹

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“Andrew, remember when that guy thought I was Mormon because I was cheering for the Jazz?”

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“Ben, remember when I sat for ten minutes trying to think of a caption?”

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UPDATE!: Upon reading the post this morning, Erin and Emily Cashmere said, “Way to go, guys. Which of the five almost indentical-looking photos of you two bumped the one and only photo of us you meant to include?” To which Ben responded, “But you were rooting for the Cavs!”

UPDATE #2!: Our friends at SLC Dunk had a similar reaction to last night’s game: “I don’t know if I’ve ever felt that good about a loss before.” They also link to a fantastic photo of Kirilenko doing his best Frankenstein impersonation.

1. Photo caption actually written by Sweeneyblog!

Uh Oh.

Should I (Ben) be concerned that the Jazz lost 113-96 to the Rockets tonight? At home?

These are the same Rockets no one picked to make the playoffs this year.

Jazz fans booed after Houston went on a 13-0 run in the fourth quarter. Seven Rockets scored in double figures, including someone named Chase Budinger. He had 17.

Carlos Boozer, meanwhile, had 7 points on 1-of-6 shooting. So, to recap:

• CARLOS BOOZER – $12.3 MIL SALARY – 34 MINUTES – 1-for-6 FG – 4 TO – 7 PTS
• CHASE BUDINGER – $725,000 SALARY – 22 MINUTES – 7-for-11 FG – 2 TO – 17 PTS

Here’s another fun stat that will make Jazz fans want to light themselves on fire¹:

Shane Battier’s plus/minus was +36. Mehmet Okur’s, on the other hand, was -26.

Also, Paul Millsap — the guy Utah threw $32 million at this summer — had 2 points in 22 minutes. And he fouled out.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

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1. Yes, this is me stealing material from Bill Simmons yet again. I can’t help myself!

Back-to-Back NBA Posts!

And a collective groan from the overwhelming majority of Voreblog readers!

Deadspin reports that it obtained excerpts from disgraced ref Tim Donaghy’s book Blowing the Whistle: The Culture of Fraud in the NBA, which Random House recently cancelled because of “concerns over potential liability.”  Two fairly obvious points: 1) Donaghy is a scumbag. 2) Scumbags, like broken clocks, are right twice a day.

Which isn’t to say much (most? 90%? more?) of what was in Donaghy’s book is the gospel truth. But does even a casual NBA fan doubt the veracity of this excerpt (on star treatment) from Deadspin?

If Kobe Bryant had two fouls in the first or second quarter and went to the bench, one referee would tell the other two, “Kobe’s got two fouls. Let’s make sure that if we call a foul on him, it’s an obvious foul, because otherwise he’s gonna go back to the bench. If he is involved in a play where a foul is called, give the foul to another player.”

Similarly, when games got physically rough, we would huddle up and agree to tighten the game up. So we started calling fouls on guys who didn’t really matter — “ticky-tack” or “touch” fouls where one player just touched another but didn’t really impede his progress. Under regular circumstances these wouldn’t be fouls, but after a skirmish we wanted to regain control. We would never call these types of fouls on superstars, just on the average players who didn’t have star status. It was important to keep the stars on the floor.

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This NBA truth is so obvious as to be banal. Of course the stars get star treatment. That’s not exactly controversial. But it also serves as a reminder that just because Jack Donaghy says it doesn’t mean it can be disregarded. Or that it’s not a perception problem for casual fans who hate how subjective NBA reffing can be.

In other NBA — and Things To Love About Ohio — news, Shaq has applied to become a state deputy. Which means if you’re used to speeding on Ohio’s highways, this photo should make you want to pee your pants.

Ladies And Gentleman, Your 2009-2010 Utah Jazz!

If only Williams and the Jazz could stand up to the Lakers…

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It took me (Ben) five hours to write last year’s NBA preview post. I remember being wide awake at five thirty in the morning, and — realizing I wouldn’t fall back to sleep — I showered, dressed, and drove to Caribou Coffee with a stack of Sports Illustrated NBA Preview Issues dating back to 1999. I flipped through their yellowed pages and divined their timeless wisdom (or, in the case of any prognostication involving Jamaal Tinsley, their absurd, cockamamie bullpucky). I poured my finite NBA wisdom — long on Utah Jazz history and short on most everything else — into what turned out to be 3005 words. When I finished the obscenely long post it was just before noon.

This will not be quite so ambitious.

The first thing I will say about the upcoming NBA season and my meager attempts to do it blogging justice is that I intend to write about more than just the Utah Jazz. Certainly most NBA posts will result from an initial Jazz thought or comment. If you imagine this blog’s NBA commentary as a giant house, then the vestibule which leads to the main hall which leads to the major rooms both downstairs (the spacious living room, the renovated kitchen, the dining room and the small sitting area just off it) and upstairs (master bed, guest bed, full bath, study, walk-in closets, etc.) will all have walls adorned with Jazz photos, pennants, cardboard cutouts, and other paraphernalia. (You will be struck by how much this house resembles a Salt Lake City TGIFriday’s.) But if you (once you’ve strolled through the entire house) happen to then go through the mud room to see the garage, you’ll find that there are additional, non-Jazz specific photos, pennants, cardboard cutouts, etc. on the walls of this small, poorly lit, somewhat confined, cluttered and odd-smelling little room that serves as, let’s be honest, a pretty crappy garage next to an otherwise stately mansion.

So you’ve got that to look forward to.

Why am I pledging to temper my full-on Jazz obsession this year? Well, let’s be honest — Utah is not going to win the title. The truth hurts. Last year I genuinely believed that Utah was a dark horse contender for the NBA Finals. (I picked Cleveland to beat Los Angeles in the Finals.) This year I don’t genuinely believe that. I believe Utah could be a dark horse in the West. I even believe they will could win the Northwest. (Chauncey’s honeymoon in Denver is over, while Portland — the sexy dark horse pick — will may have growing pains.) But there’s no way Utah beats the Lakers. Or, if it came down to it in a playoff series, San Antonio. Utah hasn’t won a game in San Antonio this decade.

So instead of dwelling here on my Jazz-related questions (Will Carlos Boozer help or hurt the team? Either way, does Utah trade him? And when? How will Boozer and Paul Millsap coexist? How much has Ronnie Brewer progressed? Will Andrei Kirilenko even show up this year? Or will he be too busy blogging? What’s the ceiling for a healthy Deron Williams? Can Kyle Korver wear his socks any higher? Is this the year Kosta Koufos becomes a household name?), I want to step back for a moment and recommend a book that every NBA fan should have in his possession (if not now, then within the next 15-20 minutes):

Bill Simmons writes likes he’s talking with you over a couple beers. The conversation is mainly about sports, but to talk sports he also has to reference pop culture and pull in The Godfather, Ric Flair, Karate Kid III, strip clubs, the Doobie Brothers, Hoosiers, “The Wire,” blackjack, Animal Instincts II, Tiffani Amber-Thiessen, Cliff Huxtable, Dirk Diggler, Matt Damon, “Sanford & Son,” Lionel Richie, and Conan the Destroyer … and those examples are just from the book’s footnotes.¹ He obsesses over the little things (the idiocy of NBA sideline reporting; the awfulness of ex-players become play-by-play commentators) that are worth being obsessed over. He’s sharp, smart, funny and opinionated. The two biggest NBA fans I know are Scott Guldin and Denys Lai, and when we talk about the NBA, our conversations sound like a Bill Simmons column.²

Simmons, like any true fan, has his beefs with the NBA. He cites the truly atrocious ‘06 Finals (Miami vs. Dallas) as “the biggest travesty in the history of NBA officiating” and laments how slick and corporatized the league has become as a product (while acknowledging that the man who has overseen its explosion, commissioner David Stern, is “the first- or second-best sports commissioner ever (depending on how you feel about Pete Rozelle)”). He bitches and complains but it’s out of love. And he’s entitled: He’s still grieving Len Bias and trying to console himself with Clippers season tickets.

There are whole sections of Simmons’ book worth skipping (unless you think it takes twenty-six pages to make the case that Bill Russell was better than Wilt Chamberlain, or care about why he classifies the 1962-63 season as “The Void”), and fully 338 of the book’s 715 pages are devoted to the ninety-six players he would assign to his five-tiered NBA Hall of Fame Pyramid. But this is like complaining that you’re not getting your money’s worth from Mark Cuban’s Twitter feed. The Book of Basketball is such a splendor of excess that I’ll be referencing it for the next five to twelve season-beginning NBA/Utah Jazz blog posts.³

Reading it has also somewhat soured my annual tradition of meditating on SI’s NBA Preview issue. After adjusting to Simmons’ witty and opinionated commentary, the SI preview felt a little, well, stale. Would Simmons be caught dead saying (as “a rival scout” does — presumably with a straight face — in one of the “Enemy Lines” sidebars), “I think Rudy Gay can be an All-Star if he gets on an established team”? Or, “Ramon Sessions doesn’t have a major weakness”? Or, “You can tell how much [Luis Scola] enjoys the game because he plays with a smile on his face”? Or, “Another young player who’s coming on is C.J. Miles?” (You can stop me anytime.) Or, “Tyrus Thomas [can get] selfish at times, as if he was stepping up to be the Man.” (Really, anytime.) Or, “Jamaal Tinsley could carry this team on his back even if both of his legs were chewed off by bears.” (I made that one up.)

Predictions, then, for the upcoming season?

1. Ron Artest, whether he helps the Lakers or not, is still crazy. Last year I bemoaned the endless Artest-Is-The-Missing-Piece storyline, which — surprise! — didn’t exactly work out in Houston. The problem this year is that he doesn’t need to be the missing piece. He just needs to not melt down and charge into the stands while Kobe and Pau Gasol carry him to an NBA crown. That’s a pretty low threshold. Here’s hoping he fails. (And if he doesn’t, winning an NBA title won’t suddenly reform him into an admirable guy who persevered through endless self-inflicted hardship, a k a, Lamar Odom).

2. Shaq will not make much of a difference. If LeBron’s Cavs win the title this year (and that’s a big if), it won’t be because Shaq pulled a Shazam; it will be because he’s not Zydrunas Ilgauskas.

3. I will continue to have an infatuation/borderline affair with Brandon Roy and the Portland Trailblazers. Scott Guldin will continue to wonder how this is possible. I will do some soul-searching.

4. I will see the Utah Jazz play the Cleveland Cavaliers on Saturday, November 14. Assuming Sweeneyblog lets me sleep on the couch.

5. The Golden State Warriors have a rough year ahead of them. Anytime your team captain relinquishes his captainship by saying, “I don’t want to be a role model. … Being captain was overrated to me, anyway. You don’t do anything but go out before the game and talk to the refs. I don’t want to do that, anyway” — you probably have a leadership void on your team.

6. Of all the major offseason moves — O’Neal to Cleveland, Artest to L.A., Rasheed Wallace to Boston and Vince Carter to Orlando — the one that will matter the most is Richard Jefferson to San Antonio. Which leads me, [siiiigh], to number seven.

7. The Spurs will beat the Celtics in the Finals. And you have no idea how much it pains me to type that.

Let’s go Jazz.

UPDATE!: Utah drops the season opener in Denver, 114-105, despite 28 and 13 (assists) from Williams. Boozer shot just 3-for-14 for 12 points. In his NBA debut, Eric Maynor had a -8 plus/minus in three minutes of playing time. Kosta Koufus was scoreless. I’m doing it already, aren’t I? I am, right? That’s what I was afraid of.

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1 = Which are quite possibly the funniest footnotes of all time, especially this one from page 613: “Saying Jerry Krause built the six-time champion Chicago Bulls is like calling Lord of the Rings a Sean Astin flick.”

2 = Scott and I once discussed, for a good fifteen minutes, which NBA player had the smelliest poops. We unanimously decided it was Matt Geiger. Denys and I liked to use Kerry Kittles as a one-size-fits-all metaphor given his versatility (e.g., “The dining hall options tonight are really good and varied. You’ve got your chicken parmesan, you’ve got your asparagus and greens, you’ve got the full-option salad bar and then those delicious lemon bars for dessert. Yup, I’ll say it: This meal is sort of like Kerry Kittles’s game”).

3 = Even though Simmons throws John Stockton under a bus, saying Stock “pulled enough dirty stunts over the years to make Bruce Bowen blush,” and “He wasn’t better than Isiah, Magic, Payton or even Hardaway or KJ at their peaks.” I punched a hole in the wall shortly after reading that. Simmons’ final take on Stockton: “He was one of a kind. Boring as hell … but one of a kind.” The vein in my forehead is twitching again.

Things To Love About Ohio: Corn Mazes Commemorating LeBron James

Tenth in an occasional series promoting a positive message about our state.

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ESPN.com speaks with Ohio Everyman Randy Rausch, who built a LeBron James Corn Maze on his farm to commemorate #23 (and perhaps encourage him to sign that long-term contract).

Says Rausch, “I think all of Ohio loves [LeBron], and it was just a good way to do it in a big cornfield.”

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Ohio: No one does LeBron James Cornfield Mazes Like We Do!

(See the interview here.)

We Didn’t Lose 100!

The Reds shut out the Pirates today, 8-0. But — because last Thursday’s game against Chicago was rained out and not rescheduled — Pittsburgh avoided its 100th loss of the season. The Buccos finished 62-99.

Let’s carry that momentum through to next year, boys!

Stockton, Sloan & Jordan *UPDATED!*

“John, you’ll never be one of the greats unless you show more leg.”

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John Stockton and Jerry Sloan were two of the five NBA Hall of Fame inductees yesterday. Michael Jordan was a third. And while I (Ben) have never been an MJ fan, he was quick to note that “contrary to what you guys believe, it’s not just me going into the Hall of Fame. It’s a group of us and I’m glad to be a part of it. Believe me, I’m going to remember them as much as they’re going to remember me.” (David Robinson and Vivian Stringer were the other two inductees.)

He was also classy praising Stockton and Sloan. And honestly, he didn’t have to do any of that. He could’ve claimed, rightfully, that he’s the greatest who ever played the game. But he didn’t. In a pretty remarkable speech, he nodded to the greatness of those before him (Jerry West, Elgin Baylor, Wilt Chamberlain) and thanked his detractors: the media who doubted him, the NBA players and coaches who dissed him (Isiah Thomas, Jeff Van Gundy and — sigh — Bryon Russell among them), and the high school coach who cut him from the varsity team. (Remember this classic commercial.)

As for Stockton, this quote captures just a little of why I love him:

I thought they would figure me out pretty quickly. I thought the Jazz would figure out they made a mistake, so I saved every cent. When I got the first paycheck, I saved [it]. I rented a one-room apartment that was already furnished. Never bought a television set. I went to a discount food store and bought cans of Nalley’s chili and I made my mom’s lasagna and stacked it in the fridge. I was pretty sure I was a one-year-and-out guy.

Coming from the man who would become the all-time NBA assists leader, that’s pretty cool.

Henry Abbot has more on that quote, while J.A. Adande has appreciations of both Stock and Sloan.

UPDATE! I know nothing whatsoever of the context, but Jerry Grit texted me this picture last night.

Below it he wrote, “Me, setting a pick, in Shaq’s nose.”

UPDATE 2! The Onion reports that Stockton delivered another assist prior to the ceremony.

The Agony Of Defeat: The Thirteenth Voreblog Readers Forum

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The Pittsburgh Pirates recently achieved notoriety for becoming the first North American professional sports team — ever — to post a losing record for seventeen straight seasons. Then they went out the next night and set another dubious record by allowing eight consecutive lead-off hits to the Cubs, prompting Pirates manager John Russell to say, “I’ve never really seen anything like that, but it happened.” Finally, the Buccos capped off their series yesterday with an 8-5 loss, their 12th in 13 games.

Matt Masterson recently posed the question, “What’s worse … being a Bengals fan or being a Pirates fan?” This led us to wonder: Are there things even worse than being a Bengals or Pirates fan? I mean, we’ve got Cubs fans out there. We’ve got Cleveland fans of all stripes. Maybe some of you are sadly devoted to the Washington Generals for all we know.

Is it better to suffer in crushing sub-mediocrity for seventeen years (see Pirates, Bengals, Los Angeles Clippers, Dennis Kucinich)? Or to flirt with success — even a championship! — but fall short (see Cubs, Cleveland Indians, Utah Jazz, Johnny Lawrence)?

Ponder those questions as you reflect on this gallery of losers!

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“I let everyone down and NBC cancelled Kings!”

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“And I missed the last episode!”

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“We play at Madison Square Garden and make millions!”

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“It has just now occurred to me that life is cruel.”

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“I can’t believe Senate Democrats caved on the public option!”

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“I am a shell of a man. And I’m out of beef jerky.”

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“They say pain is weakness leaving the body, but it feels to me like a demonic squirrel fatally puncturing my carotid artery.”

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We are not sure who is winning and who is losing in this picture.

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“Don’t blame me … I voted for Wendell Willkie!”

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Humanity Fail.

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This is tragic on so many levels.

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C’mon, wallow in self-pity — comment now!

It’s Official.

Move over, Geena Davis.

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The Pirates are in a league of their own.

UPDATE! And then there’s this dubious achievement, from game two of the series: “In the midst of a disappointing season, the Chicago Cubs started a game like no team has in almost two decades. Aramis Ramirez, Geovany Soto and Kosuke Fukudome had two-run hits in a record-tying first inning and the Cubs handed the hapless Pittsburgh Pirates their 11th loss in 12 games, 9-4 on Tuesday night.”

Woe Are The Pirates, Again.

If there was any doubt which team was the worst in the NL Central, the Pittsburgh Pirates emphatically asserted themselves as bottom feeders the past two days in Cincinnati. After getting swept in a twinbill yesterday, Pittsburgh lost to the Reds again tonight, 11-5. Ben was winding down his run at the Y when the game started, so he decided to keep running until the end of the first inning. Twenty-eight minutes and 3.4 miles later, Cincinnati was up 4-0. Also, judging from the crowd, 26 people were in attendance.

Futility, thy name is the Pittsburgh Pirates.