A Twitter Recap of the Most Recent Argument in the Vore Household

We are aware that Twitter feeds usually read chronologically, from the bottom up, but we have inverted the format here for ease of reading.

goodhusband I’m going 2 be a good husband & make dinner 2night. I’m thinking stromboli

bettycrocker Ben must be trying 2 be a good husband 2night because he appears 2 be making something resembling stromboli

goodhusband Wife noticed I’m making stromboli! Bonus points

bettycrocker Husband is absolutely butchering whatever he thinks resembles stromboli

goodhusband Wife does not appreciate my slightly unorthodox stromboli-making technique

bettycrocker Do not appreciate my husband’s very wrong stomboli-making technique

goodhusband Wife will regret 4ever doubting my slightly unorthodox stromboli-making technique

bettycrocker Going 2 take over & prevent my husband from continuing 2 be wrong @ making stromboli

goodhusband Wife has misguided notion that I need help making stromboli. Might reconsider words coming out of her mouth right now

bettycrocker Groaning incredibly loudly so as to break my husband’s will & let me take over the stromboli-making

goodhusband Wife apparently does not want dinner 2night. I guess she is curious what starvation feels like

bettycrocker Husband could not fold dough properly if his life depended on it

goodhusband Wife will deeply regret ever doubting my ability 2 fold dough

bettycrocker Husband shows an appalling lack of concern 4 the insides which are spilling out of the stromboli

goodhusband I could put those insides back in the stromboli much more efficiently w/o my wife’s very loud groaning

bettycrocker Husband is acting like a stooge

goodhusband There, I have restored the insides to the stromboli. Now I will pinch down the sides like so

bettycrocker WHY IS MY HUSBAND PINCHING THE SIDES DOWN LIKE SO??

goodhusband MY WIFE NEEDS 2 GRASP THE FACT THAT IT WILL TASTE JUST FINE REGARDLESS OF HOW I PINCH

bettycrocker Will alert my husband 2 the disaster that is his folding technique by poking open a hole where it is poorly folded

goodhusband Wife is sabotaging the stromboli & needs 2 step away from the oven

scooterthomas When Mommy & Daddy fight I hide under the bed & cry

bettycrocker Husband is quite stingy w/ the garlic salt

goodhusband Wife apparently thinks garlic salt grows on garlic trees & that we need not worry abt garlic salt supply 4 rest of earth’s popul

goodhusband ation (whoops)

bettycrocker Husband is acting like a total stooge

goodhusband Will allow my wife 2 garlic salt the stromboli because she can sometimes be a total stooge

bettycrocker My husband can watch & learn from how I garlic salt this stromboli

goodhusband Was looking forward 2 having stromboli w/ my garlic salt tonight, so this will be wonderful

bettycrocker Glad I intervened & salvaged the stromboli. Husband will feel the same once he tastes how good it is

goodhusband Wife will deeply regret interfering w/ dinner when she tastes how good this stromboli will be. If I decide 2 let her eat any

[10 minutes pass]

bettycrocker Stromboli my husband prepared is actually pretty good!

goodhusband Wife has a way w/ sarcasm!

bettycrocker Husband does not appreciate my honesty and mistakes a genuine compliment 4 biting sarcasm

goodhusband Wife really thinks I did good! I am filled w/ joy & sunshine

bettycrocker Wonder if my husband will be so good as 2 cook stromboli 4 me again?

goodhusband Will have 2 think long & hard on this matter of whether or not I can ever cook stromboli for my wife again

bettycrocker I think Jeopardy is on now

goodhusband Agree w/ my wife that Jeopardy is on now

bettycrocker I don’t think Jeopardy is on this channel though

goodhusband I ask my wife what we will do about Jeopardy not being on this channel

bettycrocker I am going 2 groan really loudly

goodhusband I am going 2 make my wife stop groaning really loudly because I love her & I want to watch Jeopardy as well

bettycrocker I love my husband because he makes me stromboli & turns the channel 2 Jeopardy

goodhusband I love my wife but I am now going 2 crush her @ Jeopardy

bettycrocker I think my husband believes he will now crush me @ Jeopardy. Will have 2 disabuse him of that notion

scooterthomas My parents are watching Jeopardy so I’m going 2 go hide

The Argument We Had During The End Credits Of Slumdog Millionaire*

[credits begin rolling]

DAN VORE: What else has Danny Boyle done?

BEN: He did Trainspotting.

ERIN: And 28 Days Later. 

BEN: And his last one was Sunshine, which was weird but we liked it.

DAN: I didn’t like that one. That was the one with the sun-monster guy lost in space, right? 

BEN: Yes. We didn’t have very high expectations, so we were pleasantly surprised.

ERIN: We watched it when we were on a big Cillian Murphy kick.

BEN: You mean when you were on a big Cillian Murphy kick?

ERIN: Dan, have you seen Red Eye?

DAN: Yeah, I think I saw it once.

ERIN: Once? That’s it?

BEN: Trust me, you’re not going to appreciate the subtleties of Cillian Murphy’s performance until about the eighth viewing. Right, honey?

ERIN: Oh, you know what else Danny Boyle did? Millions.

BEN: I never saw that one.

ERIN: Yes you did. We saw that together.

BEN: No, you saw it with someone else but it wasn’t me.

ERIN: You mean some other guy who wasn’t my husband?

BEN: I don’t know who it was, but you didn’t see it with me.

ERIN: Yes I DID. You saw the movie. Neither of us liked it.

BEN: How did I not like it if I never saw it?

ERIN: Trust me, you saw the movie. 

BEN: Trust me, I did not see the movie.

ERIN: This is just like how you think I saw that Steve Martin movie with you but I never saw it.

BEN: No you did see it–

ERIN: What was it again? Something like The Tailor of Something. 

BEN: It was The Spanish Prisoner, and you definitely saw it with me.

ERIN: Then how come I can’t remember it?

BEN: Why would I have written it down in my little book if we didn’t see it?

ERIN: Oh, your little book! If it’s inscribed in your little book then suuurrrely it can’t be wrong!

BEN: Erin, I remember us watching it together, and we could go rent it tonight and this is what would happen, we’d start watching it and after about five minutes you’d think to yourself, “Oh, crap, I have seen this before,” but you would deny it until later on when you’d say to me, “Baby, forgive me. I do remember seeing The Spanish Prisoner with you. Specifically in April of 2004, just like it says in your little book which is never wrong. I’m sorry.”

ERIN: You mean, that’s what would happen if we rented Millions?

BEN: I. Haven’t. Seen. Millions.

ERIN: Who else could I have seen it with?

BEN: Did you see it with Brooks?

ERIN: [pauses] It’s possible I saw it with Brooks.

BEN: I think you saw it with Brooks.

ERIN: I think you’re so in love with this Brooks theory that you’re forgetting you actually saw the movie.

[Long, awkward silence as credits finish rolling. DAN, BEN and ERIN are the last three in the theater.]

DAN: So, who wants to use an Olive Garden gift card?

 

—–

* = Which we thought was fantastic. A sure contender for Best of Movies 08. Coming soon!

The Voreblog Photo Album, part two

Part one was a recap of some of our favorite vacation pics. Now it’s time to catch up on some wedding shots. Lights, please.

 

Cincinnati. August 2004. The Beers driveway. Erin and sisters.

 

Jon G., moments before escorting Erin down the aisle: “I want grandkids and I want them now.”

 

“It’s been eight seconds. I don’t see any grandkids.”

 

Ben thanks his lucky stars he beat his receding hairline to his wedding day. The morning after, virtually all of his hair fell out.

 

Erin & Ben discover that Dan Vore has left a shaving cream butt imprint on their car. (Jon G. is checking to see if Erin is pregnant yet.)

 

“So I’ve been thinking we should start a blog in four years.”

 

Erin & Ben scope out the crowd at the Art Museum. “Ten bucks says you can’t hit table three with a loogie.”

 

Our friends and family. Look very closely and you’ll see a gob of spit on table three.

 

Regrettably, we do not have digital photos from many of our friends’ weddings. Thus, any exclusion should not be taken as a slight or any indication that you failed some kind of friendship test. (Though some of you have. You know who you are.*) From the weddings we did photograph, here are a few highlights.

 

Jesse and Elaine Savage (background) toast the married life. October 2006. San Francisco, CA.

 

Ben toasts Jesse. He refrains from using any analogies about men in a boat.

The Vore clan at Joseph & Mary Tufts’s wedding. Columbus, OH. May 2007. (We do not know who the strange bearded man is in the back.)

 

Later the strange bearded man put on a “Mr. Happy” t-shirt and caused a ruckus in the conga line.

 

Do not let this man near the dance floor at your wedding. He will burn it up.

 

Jenny Porterfield at her wedding in Columbus, OH. June 2007. David, not pictured, makes a mean grilled salmon. 

 

From Joe & Sarah Giordano’s wedding at Ault Park, June 2007. Mike & Gail Cicak and Erin enjoy a tasty June Sparkler.

 

They also served Coneys at the reception. (Best. Idea. Ever.)

 

Lauren & Patrick Brown’s wedding. Hudson, OH. September 2007.

 

Patrick and Mr. Brown Dr. Steidl, also a beekeeper.

 

The Beers women at Ellen & Eric’s wedding. Peterloon, Cincinnati. October 2007.

 

Jon G. Beers, calculating how much this wedding is costing him per minute.

 

Jon G. prepares to give the toast.

 

“Having kids isn’t rocket science. So let’s get crackin’, gals.”

 

“Seriously, who stole my grandkids?”

 

“Suz, shut it down. No one’s having any more fun ’til I get me a kid.”

 

Eric & Ellen make a run on the cake in case Jon isn’t joking. 

 

Rob Smart, taking a brief rest from his full-time calling as a dancing machine.

 

Steve & Donna Vore mask their grandchild-less rage for a split second. Donna later cut the power under direct orders from Jon G.

 

From Tom & Kathleen Freyvogel’s wedding. Pittsburgh, PA, January 2008. The post-rehearsal dinner fireworks spelled KATHLEEN (HEARTS) TOM.

 

This is a good-lookin’ bunch of men. 

 

They married a better-lookin’ bunch of women.

 

More good-lookin’ ladies, smothering Tom & Kathleen with affection.

 

Final installment of the Voreblog Photo Album coming sometime in the indefinite future and showcasing: numerous unflattering pictures of Scooter Thomas, scandalous shots of celebrities from our days in the paparazzi, pictures of Ben flexing in front of the mirror, and incriminating shots of Erin picking her boogs when she thought no one was looking.

 

—–

* = Fred and Lucinda.**

** = Fred and Lucinda are not real. If they were, we’d make every effort to find something likable about them, grueling as that task may be.

Not-So-Subtle Signs From Our Parents That They Want Grandchildren

• At parties, they spend more time holding other peoples’ babies than anyone else.
• As they’re holding them, they make eye contact and nod toward the baby.
• Then they point at us to make it clear what they’re trying to say.
• Then they gesture at their watch and make a sad face and pretend to cry.
• The number of times they casually remark, “Pretty quiet around the house with just our cat.”
• Or, “Sure would be nice to have some grandkids.”
• The airplane that flew over our house today pulling a sky banner that read, HOW MUCH LONGER WILL YOU MAKE US WAIT???
• When we ask how their day went, they respond, “Pretty good, despite the fact we didn’t have a grandchild to share it with.”
• All signs of fatigue or illness point to pregnancy.
• A look of sad resignation settles over them whenever we go out to eat and Erin orders wine.
• The rent-a-grandchild catalogs that come in their mail.
• The number of times they say, “If we’re being too subtle, let us know so we can lay it on thick.”

Voreslang

An occasional series in which we share the lingo one might overhear around the Vore household. If you drop these phrases into regular conversation with us, we’ll smile and nod and exchange that appreciative look that says, “We’re not just friends, we’re blog friends!”

“Bubble Spa.” The preferred term to what is commonly known as farting in the bathtub. As in, “Oh, I thought you were in here taking a bath, but I see it’s actually a bubble spa.”

“Chinch Fries.” French fries, to the rest of the world. But to someone who grew up in the Beers household, the more accepted usage is “Chinch Fries.” Appetite for Chinch Fries increases exponentially after eleven p.m., especially if one is driving past a Wendy’s. Note: One never orders “Chinch Fries” over the drive-thru intercom; usage here reverts back to the more universally recognized “French fries.” Additional Note: There is much debate about whether it is acceptable to dip Chinch Fries in one’s Frosty. Some claim this practice represents an especially gauche upbringing in the cultural backwaters of rural Pennsylvania. Others rebut that argument by saying it just tastes good. Differences are usually resolved when both parties agree that they regret what they have just ingested at this late hour of the day and resolve to go on a run tomorrow.

“Dingee.” Pronounced like the rubber life raft (dinghy). The remote control. The following conversation takes place roughly every other night as we get into bed:

ERIN: Where’s the dingee?

BEN: I think it’s on your side.

ERIN: Did you even look on your side?

BEN: I don’t need to look on my side if I’m pretty sure it’s on your side. It was on your nightstand earlier.

ERIN: Well it’s not there now.

BEN: Is it on the floor by your purse?

ERIN: Have you even looked on your side yet?

BEN: It’s not on my side. I’m sure of it.

ERIN: I JUST WANT THE DINGEE.

BEN: The TV is five feet away! You could just lean over and turn it on!

ERIN: I NEED THE DINGEE.

BEN: Oh, it’s so far away! Five feet! I can’t possibly reach five feet!

ERIN: WHERE OH WHERE HAS THE DINGEE GONE??

BEN: Oh. Here it is in the covers.

ERIN: ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED.

BEN: I hate the @$%#*& dingee.

 

“FNS.” Pronounced in such a way that it sounds like “F & S,” or “Effin’ S!” Short for “Fresh New Sheets.” A FNS night is one when we’ve done laundry and changed our sheets. Typically expressed in a sort of luxurious sigh, as if slipping into a hot tub. Scientific fact: One always gets a great night’s sleep on an FNS night. (Chris Cooke is believed to have invented the term.)

“Kittens.” Alternate name for Scooter Thomas. Usage endows Scooter Thomas with especially un-cat-like abilities, as in, “Maybe Kittens will have dinner ready for us when we get home,” or “Kittens told me his favorite song of all time is ‘(Don’t Fear) The Reaper’ by Blue Oyster Cult.” Also connotes Scooter Thomas as a stand-in figure for one’s own point-of-view. Example: “Kittens told me he was outraged you haven’t massaged my feet tonight.” Alternate Example: “Really? Well Kittens told me he thinks you’re bastard people” (an obvious allusion to Kittens’s favorite movie, Waiting For Guffman).

“Starring in the movie of his/her own life.” A generous description of the terminally solipsistic individual. Phrase applies to several types of people you may encounter on a daily basis, including the excessively loud cell phone talker, the driver who feels obliged to occupy two lanes at once on the highway, or the woman at Starbucks who publicly reprimands you for perusing “her” New York Times Arts section even though she had left it on a table and taken it out of the already-read rack (it being there, of course, because someone else paid for it in the first place). The advanced starring-in-the-movie-of-his/her-life individual will capitalize on this moment and demonstrate his/her flair for the dramatic with theatrical looks of Can you believe this guy? to everyone else in the vicinity, as well as asides such as, “Thought he could finish my crossword, huh!” Few, however, are starring in the movie of their life more consistently than Jennifer Lopez, who trains and participates in three sports, rather than some guy named Michael Phelps, who merely participates in one. Note: You are living in these people’s world, not vice versa. Additional Note: Kittens is always starring in the movie of his own life.

“Where’s that red one gonna go?” Literally, “Why are you currently demonstrating the competence of a seven-year-old?” Usage veers away from the acerbic toward the more gently condescending. From The Royal Tenenbaums, when Raleigh St. Clair (Bill Murray) conducts tests on the supposed prodigy Dudley Heinsbergen. Raleigh gives Dudley a test to arrange his wood blocks in the same pattern as Raleigh’s and times him. One of the blocks is red, and as Dudley works Raleigh idly questions him with the phrase above. (Raleigh later concludes Dudley is colorblind, an assessment Dudley hears from two rooms away because he also has a “highly acute sense of hearing.”) Despite his best efforts, Dudley’s blocks look nothing like Raleigh’s. (“How interesting. How bizarre!” Raleigh says in bemused amazement.)

     Usage of this question in the Vore household typically occurs when one party is unable to perform the most elementary of tasks — say, locating the right key to unlock a door — while the other party is standing and waiting and probably holding several bags of groceries. Usage increases in the car when the passenger feels as though the driver is pulling a boner in traffic.

A Case Study in the Relative Merits of Various Colon Cleanses, As Researched and Tested By Voreblog

When no less an authority than The New York Times uses its editorial space to promote healthy colons, you know it’s something you should have on your radar. And when no less an authority than Voreblog test drives two different colon cleanse treatments from Trader Joe’s, you can rest assured that the results will be educational and potentially life-changing. Below are our findings, published with the pseudonyms Patient A and Patient B.

A CASE STUDY IN THE RELATIVE MERITS OF TWO COLON CLEANSES, AS RESEARCHED AND TESTED BY VOREBLOG

Study Participants: Both members of Voreblog, hereby named “Patient A” and “Patient B”

Colon Cleanses Tested: Super Colon Cleanse (4 pills/3x a day), used by Patient A; Trader Joe’s Total Body Cleanse (3 sets of pills/3x a day), used by Patient B. Both patients cleansed for a two week period.

Patient A’s colon cleanse is the one featured in this ten second video.

It’s what keeps you regular, silly.

Initial Reactions to the Packaging: “I like how sleek mine looks. It’s kind of gross that yours has a drawing of an intestine right on the front” (Patient B); “Is it safe to take a product that has Buckthorn and Senna? And what is Psyllium Husk Powder and why should I be putting it into my body?” (Patient A)

Origin of Study: Patient A and Patient B came home from church a couple Sundays ago and ate lunch in front of the TV. It was there they stumbled upon an infomercial touting the efficacy of a particular colon cleansing product, praised by numerous people in enthusiastic testimonials and two guys dressed up like doctors although neither had the title “Dr.” in front of their name or “M.D.” behind it. While certain phrases like “excessive impacted fecal matter” were a bit off-putting, Patient A and Patient B were riveted. They immediately drove to Trader Joe’s and bought the two colon cleanses noted above.

Background: Patient B has been told by a doctor to schedule a colonoscopy this fall. Patient A often lies awake at night wondering if his/her colon is normal, and how he/she would know if it wasn’t, and when it was that the word colonoscopy went from something he/she associated with grandparents to something he/she was perfectly comfortable discussing with the total stranger ringing Voreblog up at Trader Joe’s.

Did You Know? A healthy colon is essential to good health. Everything we eat ends up in our bowels as toxins. As these toxins build up, we end up with various diseases, such as being overweight, constipation, and candida. We don’t know what candida is, but it is a member of the fungi kingdom and looks like this.

Results:

Pills ingested: 172 (Patient A), 162 (Patient B)

Number of times gag reflex kicked in: “Every day” (Patient A); “My pills could probably kill a horse” (Patient B)

Number of bowel movements: 41 (Patient A), “I lost track” (Patient B)

Weight lost: 1/2 lb. (Patient A), 1 lb. (Patient B)

Description of gas during test period: “foul and never-ending” (Patient A), “like hot death” (Patient B)

Number of times test subject wanted to quit: “just about every hour” (Patient A); “two or three times” (Patient B)

Verdict: “I would do this again if forced to at gunpoint, but I’d have to be 100% certain the gun was loaded” (Patient A); “As much fun as going on the Scrambler at Kings Island after eating five slices of pizza” (Patient B); “I really thought I’d feel emptier inside” (Patient A); “Well I think I understand the concept of a black hole now” (Patient B); “I honestly have no idea what that means” (Patient A); “There are some really disgusting websites about people doing colon cleanses” (Patient B); “You mean like ours?” (Patient A); “But we didn’t include pictures” (Patient B); “So would we recommend this to our readership? Wasn’t that the point of doing this?” (Patient A); “There was a point to doing this?” (Patient B); “Weren’t we going to educate people about healthy colons and preventative steps to take and rate these products and stuff?” (Patient A); “I thought we were doing it just to link to Phil Hartman’s Super Colon Blow commercial” (Patient B); “I think this will probably be our most unpopular post of all time” (Patient A); “Not if we end with Phil Hartman” (Patient B); “But I can’t figure out how to post videos from Hulu yet” (Patient A); “Then we have failed” (Patient B).

Friday Recommends: mint.com

We conclude Gotcha Capitalism week with a Friday Recommends for a website that has helped us gain a certain amount of financial perspective: mint.com.

Mint.com is free (and secure) personal finance software that helps bring order to any financial situation, no matter how chaotic. If you are anything like us, colorful pie charts and graphs probably enhance your understanding of any subject matter, no matter how potentially complex or thorny. This is why Mint is for you. It links to your bank accounts and credit cards and then categorizes your purchases into various buckets: Home, Food & Dining, Fuel, Education, Shopping, etc. You can set monthly targets for your budget in each of those categories, and Mint will e-mail you weekly with updates or alerts on how you’re doing. It also gives you a reminder about pending credit card payments so you don’t get zapped by outrageous service charges.

Fair warning: Mint will introduce a level of transparency into your monthly accounting that could be potentially uncomfortable for your marriage. The following conversations have taken place in the Vore household since using Mint.

ERIN: Wow, we’ve spent $89 on twenty-eight visits to Busken Bakery.

BEN: Hmmm. That’s … interesting.

ERIN: That’s a lot of coffee and Apple Bran Cinnamon muffins.

BEN: Maybe there’s a, um, glitch in the software.

ERIN: Maybe. You could buy a lot of things for eighty-nine dollars.  Say, some pretty dresses for your pretty wife.

BEN: Do you think somehow Scooter Thomas got a hold of our credit card?

and:

BEN: Look, my credit card was in Scooter’s bed! This explains everything!

Our primary complaint with Mint is that it frequently miscategorizes your transactions. Potbelly, for example, gets categorized as “Home Furnishings.” Same with Skyline Chili. Snooty Fox, a local consignment store, was once labeled “Pets.” You can edit these, of course, but that’s valuable time not arguing with your spouse about the ways you could be saving money.

Thanks to all who shared their experiences fighting back against Gotcha Capitalism in the second Voreblog Readers Forum. Should any married couples out there care to share their stories of financial reckoning, please, by all means, comment below.

Friday Recommends: Settlers of Catan

How to Ruin a Friendship/Marriage: Settlers of Catan

 

When Roger and Megan Swigart first introduced us to the board game Settlers of Catan, we were skeptical. This is how the conversation went:

THE SWIGARTS: You’re going to love this game. It was game of the year in Germany in 1995 and has since been translated into eighteen languages!

THE VORES: It sort of looks like Risk.

SWIGARTS: Sort of. Except you collect ore, brick, sheep, wheat and wood and trade them. Then you build settlements and cities and roads but watch out for the robber. And you collect development cards. And once you get five road segments you get the Longest Road card which is two points.

VORES: Okay. Now it seems a little complicated.

SWIGARTS: Not at all! The inventor, Klaus Teuber, conceptualized it as a game that synthesized land development and colonization as a contest of wills marked by inevitable conflict. We can’t play with some of our friends anymore because it got too competitive!

VORES: (Silent.)

SWIGARTS: So who’s ready to play? Some games can go on for two hours!

VORES (hurriedly putting on coats as they walk out the door): Thanks for dinner! Bye!

Somehow we overcame our apprehension and played that first game, slowly grasping the game’s many intricacies. Neither of us won, but driving home afterwards we had let go of our skepticism. “That game was actually kind of fun,” Ben said. “I should’ve made a more concerted effort to collect ore so I could convert my settlements into cities,” Erin said as she stared pensively out the window. “Yes,” Ben responded, “yes, you should have.”

We called the Swigarts early the following week. “Do you guys want to come over for dinner and, say, maybe a game of Settlers?”

“We’re there,” they said. “You guys are hooked.”

And we were. We have played maybe a dozen times with the Swigarts since. While we have yet to play with other devoted Catanites, we know they are out there, dwelling among us, a secret society who look and talk like regular humans but transform into an army of devoted Klaus Teuber warrior-slaves who would sell their own grandmother for a “Year of Plenty” development card if it meant sweet, sweet victory.

This is part of the charm — and danger — of the game. Any game can become competitive, but Settlers of Catan allows you so many strategic ways to stab your best friend or spouse in the back. And players can gang up on one another if they sense someone is on the cusp of attaining the ten points required to win. Even among such good friends as the Swigarts, many a Settlers game has turned intense, marked by curt responses, withering stares and barely suppressed rage at a spouse’s traitorous behavior. Our friendship has withstood this crucible, but we know other couples who can no longer play the game together. (Perhaps in Germany they use it as a pre-marital counseling tool.)

If you too are a fellow Catanite, we want to have you over for game night sometime soon. Whether we’ll still be friends afterwards remains to be seen. But you can help your cause by letting one of us win.

Long live Herr Teuber!

Various Tactics Employed By Erin To Get Ben To Massage Her Feet

• Leave the H20 Spa Soothing Mint Foot Rub Cream by Ben’s pillow.
• When Ben is in another room, say, “OK, good night,” repeatedly until he comes in to find her with feet propped in the air.
• Remark, “I think massaging my feet makes your biceps look bigger.”
• Moan, “Oh, my feet are like sad sandwiches.”
• Remind him of his wedding vows.
• Say, “Would your face like a massage from my feet?”
• Say, “I’ll probably come up with some great ideas for our next blog post while you rub my feet.”
• Promise to pass less gas.
• Make the saddest faces in the world.
• Triple dog dare him.

Summer Highs & Lows

We like to play a little game, usually on Sunday evenings over dinner or a walk, called “Highs & Lows.” It’s pretty much exactly what the name implies: we share the highs and lows of our past week. Occasionally we take a broader look back over a season or calendar year. Today being Labor Day, let’s reflect now on the Highs and Lows that our summer had to offer.

HIGHS

• We made trips to Portland, West Virginia, Pittsburgh and Missouri.
• The Guldin family came to visit.
• Vincent D’Onofrio continues to bring justice to the greater New York area.

LOWS

• Erin got a speeding ticket.
• We paid money to see The X-Files: I Want To Believe.
• We sat behind people who narrated the entire movie for us.

HIGHS

• Lots of our friends are now parents.
• Polls indicate we are the hipster aunt and uncle of choice.
• And as for our personal parenting, most of our plants survived the summer, giving us much-needed momentum heading into summer 2009.

LOWS

• We still have not gotten our computer back. (The trial was rescheduled for the end of this month.)
• Ben’s peg leg is beginning to rot.
• The smell is unholy awful.

HIGHS

• Our house did not get broken into for the fifth straight month.
• Neither of us pooped the bed for the third straight month.
• Back-to-back months: gout free!

LOWS

• We got two flat tires. (Both Ben.)
• Erin was dq’d in her Olympics fencing match at Beijing.
• In a rage, she speared an innocent baby panda.

MORE LOWS THAT JUST NOW OCCURRED TO US

• We were yet again overlooked as two of People’s “Most Beautiful People.”
• Erin’s job offer to be an analyst for “Baseball Tonight” fell through when she failed a literacy test.
• We were indicted on tax fraud.

EVEN MORE CRIPPLING LOWS

• That debilitating botulism that kept us bedridden for all of June.
• The expired mayonnaise in the back of the fridge that almost ate Scooter Thomas.
• Now 2008! Spring/Summer CD did not live up to expectations.

THERE’S GOTTA BE A HIGH WE LEFT OUT

• Oh yeah, we joined the Y!
• We are on our way to rock hard abs.