More Ways To Say “No” To Tobacco

• Be direct: “Chaw and the ladies don’t mix.”
• Be philosophical: “My parents instilled in me good values and upon careful reflection of my moral character I feel that chaw and the ladies don’t mix.”
• Hold grudges: “Tobacco stole my boyfriend once and I want nothing to do with her.”
• Or: “Joe the Camel ate my pet turtle.”
• Or: “My mom ran off with that tardwagon Marlboro Man when I was twelve.”
• Make a fashion statement: “I don’t like the tobacco can imprint on the back pocket of my Husky jeans. And neither does God.”
• Keep changing the subject: “Hey, look! Over there! It’s Bigfoot and Ronald McDonald sitting on a bench together!”
• Change the subject some more: “Who wants to go to a strip club?”
• Suggest another fun activity: “My nephew just built a meth lab. Let’s head over there instead!”
• Lie: “I already smoked three packs before breakfast.”
• Keep lying: “My father runs a drug cartel. You ever seen the movie Scarface? It’s not Pacino’s best work but it’s pretty good.”
• Pretend to be deaf: “WHAT’S THAT? I CAN’T HEAR YOU! I’M PRETENDING TO BE DEAF!”
• Assert yourself: “I’m just too cool for tobacco.”
• Make an excuse: “Secondhand smoke gives my cat hives.”
• Be honest: “Do I look like someone who should be smoking?”
• Temporarily forget how to speak English: “Les carrots sont cuites. C’est la fin des haricots!”
• Claim that Lenny Dykstra is your dad.
• Throw water on your crotch and say, “It’s cool to pee your pants!”
• Pee your pants.