The chupacabra (literally, “goat sucker“).
If you have not yet decided to live in fear of the chupacabra, it’s time. From wikipedia:
The name comes from the animal’s reported habit of attacking and drinking the blood of livestock, especially goats. Physical descriptions of the creature vary. Eyewitness sightings have been claimed as early as 1990 in Puerto Rico, and have since been reported as far north as Maine, and as far south as Chile. It is supposedly a heavy creature, the size of a small bear, with a row of spines reaching from the neck to the base of the tail. …
In at least one sighting, the creature was reported to hop 20 feet (6 m). This variety is said to have a dog or panther-like nose and face, a forked tongue and large fangs. It is said to hiss and screech when alarmed, as well as leave behind a sulfuric stench. When it screeches, some reports assert that the chupacabra’s eyes glow an unusual red which gives the witnesses nausea.
In other words, cancel those summer vacations to Puerto Rico and anywhere between Maine and Chile.
If the above paragraphs did not immediately produce a chilling effect upon your soul, you should consider the possibility that you do not in face have a soul. This is no laughing matter. Even if you don’t own goats or other livestock, you can’t afford to take the chupacabra for granted. That would be a mistake — a fatal one.
The Eleventh Voreblog Readers Forum is simple: How would you hunt and kill the feared chupacabra? It will be incumbent on us to think outside the box on this one, people. Lives may depend on it.
In the meantime, Scooter Thomas will be staying indoors as he has often been mistaken for livestock.
The NBA Playoffs Readers Forum has picked back up as well, featuring hard-hitting commentary on Joakim Noah’s offseason activity; heated exchanges about slander and potential infringement upon the intellectual property of certain comments made in Google Chat; a zinger from Matthew Leathers; and detours into the NHL Playoffs, with Scott G—– masquerading as a Chicago Blackhawks fan just to spite true hockey aficionado Jenny McDevitt. Join the discussion and comment here!
16 responses so far ↓
voreblog // May 20, 2009 at 8:13 am |
You’ll also want to look out for this diabolical creature.
Scott G. // May 20, 2009 at 12:23 pm |
Ben,
I appreciate the effort here. I really do.
It’s obvious you took a lot of time researching Chupacabra. The seven minutes you spent on Wikipedia must have really thrown off the rest of your day.
But is this really serious?
How would you hunt and kill chupacabra?
You might as well make the question: “What are your plans for catching the wind?” or “Give us your strategies for drinking a gallon of milk in an hour” or “How could a PR firm make Kobe likable?”
You’re not giving much credit to ol’ Chupes here.
As I mentioned in our GChat (surprised you didn’t quote it here), my friend and I discussed this at length for nearly a week.
I asked him again for this thread, and he said: “Start with lots of goats and chickens. Mix in lots of sleepless nights and monastic patience. Wait with a gun until you get a clean shot, just like any other animal.”
That’s where he and I diverge. Chupacabra is in no way like any other animal.
It just isn’t.
Ben // May 20, 2009 at 1:27 pm |
Scott,
This is why I was hoping you might spearhead our anti-chupacabra efforts. You’ve been on the frontlines (or at least discussed this with others who have been on the frontlines, or talked about what they would do if they were on the frontlines).
Frankly, I’m also disappointed by your defeatist posture.
Did your Cubs not suit up this year because of the staggering weight of a century’s worth of thwarted expectations?
Did your Bulls phone it in after Rondo assaulted BM in Game Five?
Did Levin O’Connor give up on his dreams to go pro after tearing his comedic ACL?
No! Hell no!
We won’t go quietly into the night!
p.s. My research on Wikipedia this morning was a good twenty-two minutes.
erik b // May 20, 2009 at 3:47 pm |
Nerd Alert – The X-Files episode dealing this creature (season 4 episode 11) is one of the better ones – that is if you enjoy some social commentary from sci fi shows. Who doesn’t!
jerrygrit // May 20, 2009 at 3:52 pm |
I think you start by making friends. Get his formidable defenses down (fangs, red eyes, bloodlust, etc).
And then, when he confides in you about how lonely it is for him, make fun of him!
Long after the sulfuric stench clears, his shame will remain.
Tad // May 20, 2009 at 11:43 pm |
1) Get Nic Cage in a bear suit.
B) Take Mr. Bescak’s suggestion of “making friends” one step further……think Pepe le Pew and his cat girlfriend.
3) Wait for Nic Cage while wearing said bear suit to punch said chupacabra in the face.
6) Make sure everything is being filmed, as this will probably be Nic Cage’s greatest role ever.
F) And possibly greatest performance…..
Jenny // May 21, 2009 at 12:12 am |
Challenge the chupacabra to a game of You Don’t Know Jack. Then, while his/her attention is focused on the computer, have Cy Wainscott sneak up from behind and engage him/her in some rigorous editorial commentary.
At some point, the chupacabra will fall over, lulled into a trance. Then you make your move, either to capture or kill. That’s up to you.
(If our esteemed former Collegian advisor is not doing well these days, this post basically makes me an ass. I sure hope that is not the case.)
Lee Fuoco // May 21, 2009 at 9:57 am |
get cashmere on the case. he’ll talk it to death at $200 a session.
Scott G. // May 22, 2009 at 6:44 pm |
ZING!
I like a feisty Fuoco. Heaven forbid she train her formidable powers of wit and irony on me. Rue the day.
Andrew Cashmere // May 22, 2009 at 11:00 pm |
That was a poorly executed ZING! A few points.
1. I don’t know of any psychologists who are actually able to collect $200 per session.
2. I keep my verbal contribution to conversation in session less than 1/3 of the total jibber jabber said.
3. Cashmere > Fuoco
4. Fuoco = Poop
With regard to how I would hunt and kill the chupacabra, I would probably not kill the poor guy. I would drink a few beers with him and then head over to the Fuoco house to make her a delicious batch of tub chili.
Scott G. // May 23, 2009 at 8:40 am |
I stand by my original zing.
voreblog // May 23, 2009 at 10:27 am |
We were starting to worry that Andrew Cashmere’s absence from this Readers Forum meant he had been eaten by the dreaded chupacabra.
Andrew Cashmere // May 23, 2009 at 11:20 am |
Your original zing + Lee Fuoco < Poop
Lee Fuoco // May 23, 2009 at 2:18 pm |
pithy as always! i stand corrected!
The Dreaded Chupacabra // May 21, 2009 at 9:58 am |
Fools.
I’m reading this.
Sharing every harebrained strategy you devise to outsmart me only makes me stronger.
You are playing into my scaly reptilian hands by tipping your pathetic, mortal hand.
I will enjoy leaving a sulfuric stench behind with your mangled flesh.
Mike // May 21, 2009 at 6:00 pm |
Train a grizzly bear to follow your commands and arm the grizzly bear with a chainsaw.
Because a grizzly bear with a chainsaw is a KILLING MACHINE.
You gotta outsource this. Did you see that picture? That thing looks tougher than one of Lunchbox’s sperm.
I’m just saying.