What We Blog About When We Blog About Love

Entries from June 2008

Zombie Haiku

June 30, 2008 · 2 Comments

NightOfTheLivingDead

Forty years after Night of the Living Dead, Zombie Haiku arrives in bookstores.

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Ryan Mecum, a funny man and hero to teenagers across Greater Cincinnati, has written a book called Zombie Haiku, available in bookstores now. As the “About the Author” page of Zombie Haiku notes, Ryan was a youth pastor before the plague of zombies obliterated humankind as we know it. We defy you to find a funnier book about the end of the world that includes a graphic description of the main character eating his own mother.

We are here torn between two conflicting impulses:

  1. To quote this book in its entirety to you.
  2. Our abiding respect for strict copyright laws.

Because the fine print allows for “a reviewer” to “quote brief passages in a review,” we will devote the rest of this post to reviewing Zombie Haiku by Ryan Mecum.

If you need three reasons to buy this book, they would be these three haikus:

Biting into heads
is much harder than it looks.
The skull is feisty.

And:

Blood is really warm.
It’s like drinking hot chocolate
but with more screaming.

And finally:

The taste of liver
is hard to get off your tongue,
but spleen does the trick.

Walk Run Stumble and moan to your nearest bookstore today.

(Sidenote: When he lived in Pittsburgh, Ben walked past George Romero’s house on his way to work every day and attended the same church as him.)

(Sidenote #2:  Ben & Erin’s friend Sarah McWhorter appears on page 90 crouched in her basement in pre-eaten form!)

Categories: books
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Recent Examples of Passive-Aggressive Behavior in the Vore Household

June 28, 2008 · 3 Comments

Erin to Ben in the car, after Ben put on M.I.A.’s “Paper Planes”: “Did you mean to put this in?”

What Erin was really saying: “I question both your musical taste and fitness to be my husband.”

How could Erin have handled this situation differently? By using hand motions to make an imaginary noose and hang herself, which at least makes Ben laugh.

—————

Ben to Erin, on a Sunday afternoon in April prior to the Music City Half-Marathon: “So, is watching Murder at 1600 on Fox 19 part of your cross-training regimen today?”

What Ben was really saying: “Don’t embarrass me in front of my new runner friends.”

How could Ben have handled this situation differently? By setting fire to the couch and TV.

—————

Erin to Ben, in the first month of marriage: “I’m starting a Goodwill pile of clothes and stuff if you’d like to donate to a good cause.”

What Erin was really saying: “I will not be married to a man with black suede shoes and pleated khakis.”

What could Erin have said to be more direct? “Ben, I love you, but you have the fashion sense of linoleum.”

—————

Scooter Thomas, while Ben and Erin are late for work in the morning:“Ack! Thpfft! Hack! Barf!” (Repeat eight times in a five minute time span in four different rooms.)

What Scooter was really saying: “I’m an emotionally fragile creature who has not received sufficient love and attention recently, and now you’re going to pay.”

How could Scooter have handled this situation differently?By allowing himself to be dropkicked across the lawn.

—————

Erin to Ben on Wednesday night after Ben came home from basketball: “I just put up a clothesline in the basement, in case that’s a piece of information you’d like to do something with.”

What Erin was really saying: “It smells like a small woodland creature crawled into your shorts and died. If you don’t immediately get them out of my sight, I’m going to put Newsies at the top of our Netflix queue again.”

What could Erin have said to be more direct? “Baby, I left eight piles of cat vomit for you to clean up. Enjoy!”

Categories: Scooter Thomas · marriage
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Friday Recommends: Documentaries

June 27, 2008 · 3 Comments

Being obsessed as we are with lists, we present to you the Vore’s Top Five Documentaries Of All Time (excluding one we’ve already recommended).

Honorable mentions go to The Cruise (a tour of New York with Tim “Speed” Levitch of Waking Life and Scotland, PA fame), Bonhoeffer, Hoop Dreams, Hands on a Hard Body (an endurance competition to win a new truck), Devil’s Playground (about the Amish practice of Rumspringa), Touching the Void and Jonestown. While we thoroughly enjoy all of these films, Kobe Bryant would note that any honorable mention in a High Fidelity Top Five format is really just, at best, a fifth-place loser.

5. Spellbound.  Eight teenagers embark on a journey to win the 1999 National Spelling Bee, which has now become so famous that ESPN and ABC broadcast the final rounds live. Several teens are normal, most are complete nutters, but there’s something authentically American about their stories  converging in this extremely tense, extremely nerdy competition. Erin’s love for the National Spelling Bee stems from a childhood afternoon spent with Katie Stratman watching Rebecca A. Sealfon win the 1997 competition with E-U-O-N-Y-M.  Those were the days. 

4. Jesus Camp. As disturbing as this film is, it makes for a great conversation starter. Devout Christian youngsters are shipped off to a camp called Kids on Fire (which has since been discontinued indefinitely after negative reactions to the film). Ted Haggard makes a creepy, pre-fall appearance as a swaggering megachurch pastor who apparently derives pleasure from bullying 12-year-olds. There are a few lighter moments too: two kids evangelize to strangers in a park, who tell them they have, in fact, already been saved. “Really?” the kids respond, deflated. “Okay. Have a nice day.” As they cross the street, one whispers to the other, “I think they were Muslims.”

3. Grizzly Man.  A 2005 documentary by Werner Herzog about Timothy Treadwell and his ill-fated trek into the Alaskan wilderness to live among grizzly bears. Is Treadwell some kind of animal mystic or just crazy? Herzog leaves the question open before gently revealing his hand late in the film. The most touching but horrifying part of the documentary occurs when Herzog meets Treadwell’s ex-girlfriend. She presents Herzog with the audio captured from Treadwell’s final moments, and the viewer is left in silence while watching Herzog listen, literally, to death. 

2. Trekkies. While we are not Trekkies ourselves, we are Trekkies documentary Trekkies. Where to start? Dentists in Federation garb. An alternate juror in the Whitewater trial who wore a Starfleet uniform (replete with badge and phaser) before being dismissed. And in the film’s most inspired sequence, two men shout bullets of saliva at one another trying to learn how to speak Klingon. (Aspiring Klingon enthusiasts greet one another with nuqneH, literally: “What do you want?” We are not sure what Klingon is for, “We want you to stop spitting on us.”)

1. The Eyes of Tammy Fae. Ben couldn’t believe he’d ever be convinced to watch this documentary, much less sympathize with Tammy Fae Bakker Messner. Once you steel yourself for the cosmetic onslaught, you still have RuPaul as narrator and sock puppets introducing each chapter of the film. Whatever it takes, get past all this, because no matter what you think you know about Tammy Fae, you’ll be surprised to find a human being beneath all the make-up. The film starts with her teen marriage to Jim Bakker and traces the rise of their marriage and founding of the PTL network. When money troubles and Tammy Fae’s addicition to pills led to the downfall of both their ministry and marriage, Tammy Fae starts a new life with a devoted second husband (incarcerated for bankruptcy fraud), preaching an inclusive, humane Christianity. We like our documentaries to enlighten and surprise us, and this one did both.

You tell us: Which ones did we miss?

Categories: Friday Recommends · movies

Stuff White People Like

June 26, 2008 · 1 Comment

If you, like us, are white, then stuffwhitepeoplelike.com will only confirm just how white you are.

The site, introduced to us by Mike Cicak and Andy Sweeney, is run by people who are apparently watching us wherever we go, aiming some kind of X-ray gun at our heads so as to understand exactly what’s going on inside our brains. We, for example, like the following things (which white people like us also seem to like a lot too):

Grammar. While dining at the Corner Bistro recently with the Cicaks, we were mortified to see not one but two misspelled items on the Dessert Menu. “Wait, ‘bannanas’ doesn’t have two n’s,” Ben said. “And that’s not how you spell ‘carmel,’” Erin added. “We have to tell them.” Ben has a (white) friend at work who carries a bottle of White Out around with her so she can correct such misspellings whenever she sees them. Man we love grammar.

Hating Corporations. We really dislike corporations. When we saw the documentary The Corporation several years ago, we spent the entire ride home earnestly discussing how depressed we were by corporations. We also have No Logo on our bookshelves and, while we no longer have recent issues of Adbusters lying around, we do have Kalle Lasn’s Culture Jam shelved right next to No Logo. (In keeping with the white-people-like-grammar-and-rules observation above, all of our bookshelves are alphabetized and arranged by sub-section, hence Klein, Lasn on our “countercultural” shelf, top left shelf, first bookcase in the dining room.)

Public Radio. We love public radio. Erin is concerned about Ben’s fixation with Diane Rehm. We think Ira Glass, Terry Gross and Carl Kasell would all have a great time at one of our dinner parties. But we do kind of despise those schlubs on The Splendid Table.

Arrested Development. We will fight you if you insult Arrested Development. Erin often tries to mimic Lucille Bluth’s over-the-top eye wink, and we’d like all of our readers to know that we at the Vorehouse run a pretty tight ship here. A gaming ship. 

Assists. Ben simply loves assists. John Stockton is, was, and always will be the greatest point guard of all time. When Ben still had hair, people often remarked how much it looked like John Stockton’s haircut. When you’re white and you can’t dunk, you do the next best thing: pass!

Wes Anderson movies. We don’t have kids, but if we did, we’d still love Wes Anderson movies more than them. (This has been a recurring theme in marriage counseling, but we don’t understand why our therapist is so concerned about it.) When, over a camp-day-off meal at The Olive Garden in Greensburg, Pennsylvania, we discovered one another’s mutual affection for Rushmore, this was literally a deal-breaker. We still hand each other notes during boring church services/lectures/graduations that say things like, “Rich kids = Bad? This guy = Best chapel speaker ever.” And in a contest of superheroes, the jaguar shark wins every time.

The Wire. Ben thinks The Wire is the greatest television show of all time. At work, Tuesday is the day everyone has a Wire character nickname on the daily schedule, so you’ll frequently overhear exchanges between two skinny white dudes like, ”What’s up, Slim Charles?” “Not much, Bunk. I’ve got some WMDs coming off the boat today if you need a re-up.” “Solid. I’m in.”

If you are a white person too, you can find out more about yourself in print form on July 1. But don’t buy it on Amazon or at one of the big boxes. Support your local independent bookstore!

Categories: Television · books · movies · sports
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Gorilla Warfare

June 25, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Yesterday afternoon, as I (Erin) was running some errands for my sister’s law firm, I got to listen to NPR’s Fresh Air with Terry Gross, something I don’t often get to do since it’s aired smack dab in the middle of the day. 

Terry was interviewing Brent Stirton, who generated loads of attention after his photographs of seven members of a murdered Mountain Gorilla family, located in Virunga National Park in the Democratic Republic of Congo, were published in Newsweek and other papers around the world. On assignment with National Geographic a year later, Stirton, a renowned photographer and journalist from South Africa, traveled back to the DRC with another journalist, American Mark Jenkins, to investigate the murders. What he found was a tightly wound web of corruption on multiple fronts from multiple militias with a singular connection: the illegal harvest of charcoal. 

Even though millions of people, especially civilians, have been murdered as a result of the conflict in the Congo, the slaughter of the seven Mountain Gorillas, and in particular the photograph of gorilla patriarch Senkwekwe, sparked a response around the world. What sticks out in my mind from the interview was this very issue, which seems somewhat backwards: Why, as Terry asked, did it take seven gorillas to elicit such a response? Calmly and eloquently, Stirton explained:

“The general psychology behind it is when you start talking about millions in terms of human death, there’s a certain head-in-the-sand thing that happens to us as human beings. Our sense of collective responsibility is diluted by the sheer number of people when it starts becoming an issue of millions of people dead. Then, I think we have a tendency, you know as a civilization, to avoid responsibility because we feel there’s nothing we can do about those kinds of numbers. It’s too big, too daunting. But when you talk about a few fragile Mountain Gorilla population, which for some reason there’s an incredible interaction that occurs between human beings and these gorillas … when you start talking about smaller numbers, people feel that, yes, there might be some possibility to do something.”

I think Stirton hit the nail on the head. Genocide is too big a thing for me to wrap my mind around, especially genocide that occurs on the other half of the globe and in the ballpark of millions. Having this very small number of prized gorillas to mourn, especially when they’re an endangered species to begin with (there are only about 700 in the world today), makes it more personal and perhaps makes people feel like they can do something about it, or that they have a stake in how the situation turns out.

This story greatly touched me. It is extremely sad, but well-told, and I urge you to consider reading, listening, or viewing* it.

You can find Brent Stirton’s NPR interview at the following link:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=91835032

You can read the National Geographic article in its entirety by clicking on the following:
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2008/07/virunga/jenkins-text

You can view Brent Stirton’s photos as featured in National Geographic here:
http://ngm.nationalgeographic.com/2008/07/virunga/stirton-photography

You can view more photographs of the Virunga Gorillas at Brent Stirton’s own website at:
http://www.brentstirton.com/feature-gorillas.php

*The photos are both beautiful and horrifying, and are sure to evoke a response from the viewer, but they do contain some very graphic images of violence perpetrated upon the Gorilla family.

Categories: things that make you sad
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Jesse Savage, Welcome to Fatherhood

June 24, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Jesse Savage, a k a “The Beast,” is a dad. Chloe Jo Savage was born last Thursday, weighing in at seven pounds, three ounces.

I (Ben) have always known Jesse would be a good dad. But when did I know that? It wasn’t when we both moved in to Norton Hall in August of 1995. Jesse arrived later than most, having flown cross country just to get to the cornfields of Ohio, but he immediately made his presence known. The first thing he unpacked was his stereo, and soon he was serenading us at alarmingly high decibel levels to Coolio’s “Gangster’s Paradise.” The man has always known how to make an entrance.

It wasn’t when I walked in on him sophomore year as he was playing, at the same ear-shattering volume, Cyndi Lauper’s She’s So Unusual. I do hope Elaine shares an equal role in shaping little Chloe’s musical tastes.

(This is not entirely fair. Jesse did introduce me to Moby and Portishead, and made me appreciate anew both the Beastie Boys and Bach. Forgive me, Jesse.)

It wasn’t when Jesse nearly shattered my collarbone on the basketball court, or the time we road-tripped to New York City and Jesse, all for the sake of a good photo, sprawled out on a pile of trash bags.

So when did I know it? Do we ever really see, looking at our friends in college, who they will be as parents or spouses, ten, twenty, thirty years down the road? Certainly I didn’t on any conscious level. Subconsciously, though, I knew it about Jesse.

I think I first knew it sophomore year, easily the hardest for us both, when we lived together and were united by the common enemy of our third roommate, a repulsively hairy rugby player named Sean. Jesse & I shared the double, and spent many a late night and early morning cramming for our 8:10 American Lit class with Professor Lentz. When, finally, the lights went out, Jesse and I talked in the dark, from our top and bottom bunks, about what it all meant: college, women, life; Thoreau, Dickinson, Melville; rugby players, the smell of reefer, the thud of reggae from the other side of the suite. (“Good lord,” Jesse would say, “it’s four in the morning.”) I imagine some of the best parenting happens in the dark, by the bed, in those vulnerable hours before dreaming. And Jesse has always had those moments down.

The summer after graduation, I visited Jesse in Pullman, Washington, and as I spent more time with Jesse’s dad I saw it in him too. Good parents breed good parents. Certainly we’re not doomed if we weren’t brought up well, but good parents grease the rails for us.

So welcome to the world, young Chloe. You’ve already got a head start.

Categories: Uncategorized
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Guest Blogger: Scooter Thomas

June 23, 2008 · 8 Comments

Editor’s Note: In the interests of fairness and civil discourse, we have allowed our cat Scooter Thomas a forum to rebut what he calls the “innuendo and scuttlebutt” which “have so far maked this insidious little blog of yours.”

 

                        

What do these eight images have in common? Answer: They all uphold — indeed, fortify — the malicious and unfounded notion that all the feline species is good for is: 1) eating; 2) being fat; 3) exuding an air of smug condescension; 4) enaging in slovenly behavior; and 5) aiding and abetting the most evil regimes on the face of the earth.

I cannot tell you how sickening I find these stereotypes. The fact they are all cartoons only reinforces just how cartoonish this vile canard of the shiftless, dim-witted feline archetype is. Furthermore, what saddens me most is that my two owners — otherwise good people, on the whole — have subscribed to this notion with such an ideological frenzy that I am forced to sacrifice good, valuable nap time to refute it. Also, due to my girth, my paws are a bit larger than most of the keys, so I am forced to constantly backtrack and delete. But such is my cross to bear.

First (and, if I may say, most damning of all): The so-called picture of me which appears on the “About” page of this blog is in fact not me. I fear it says something about the intellectual merits of most of my owners’ friends that they have bought into this misconception so completely, when it says on that very page that the cat pictured is not actually me. I will not waste the time and space to address this despicable photograph any further except to add that I would never be caught dead drinking Bud Light. I am a Zima man through and through.

Second: This business about me being a deadbeat is more outlandish rumor. If I were not here to help run this household, I sometimes wonder how my owners would even dress themselves in the morning (particularly the boorish male one). Let us count the ways I contribute to the smooth execution of household obligations:

  • I am on constant alert for the presence of that insidious red pen light.
  • I promptly lick excess water off the bathroom floor when my owners step out of the shower.
  • I am a sturdy back-up alarm, sitting on the heads of my owners when they have hit snooze one too many times. (Again, the loutish male is a chronic oversleeper.)
  • I ensure the area below the bed is secure and protected whenever there is a break-in.
  • I ensure the area below the bed is secure and protected whenever there is a thunderstorm.
  • I ensure the area below the bed is secure and protected whenever the doorbell rings.
  • I assist gravity in its formidable task whenever my owners leave their luggage lying around.
  • Who else is going to use that perfectly good litterbox?

Finally, may I speak openly about just how freeing it is to be totally at peace with my body image? Unburdened by glossy magazine photographs and nefarious advertisements telling me I should be in a perpetual state of dissatisfaction about my looks, I love every pound on my body, all eighteen of them, especially my lower paunch and the mudflaps that form behind my rear legs whenever I sit down.

I should hope this would settle my little disagreement with the powers that be in this household once and for all, yet I fear you may be hearing from me again.

And now if you’ll excuse me, I hear the couch, a bottle of pinot noir and James Lipton calling my name.

Categories: Scooter Thomas

Netherland

June 21, 2008 · 2 Comments

My only firsthand experience with the sport of cricket came when I (Ben) lived in Pittsburgh and ran the Carnegie Mellon track late at night. Inside the track, beneath the lights, a small crowd of CMU students engaged in what was, to me, a mostly indecipherable form of sport. Even if I had understood the rules, I would not have possessed the elegence of mind to describe what I saw like this: A “white-clad ring of infielders, swanning figures on the vast oval, again and again converge toward the batsman and again and again scatter back to their starting points, a repetition of pulmonary rhythm, as if the field breathed through its luminous visitors.” That’s how Joseph O’Neill describes cricket in his new novel, Netherland. If you read just one book on cricket this year, Netherland is it.

For O’Neill, cricket is the way into not just the lives of the book’s two main characters, the Dutchman narrator Hans van den Broek and his larger-than-life Trinidadian friend Chuck Ramkissoon, but also life in New York after 9/11, and, more broadly, the American Dream. Chuck is a modern day Gatsby who believes he can build a world-class cricket arena (named, fittingly, Bald Eagle Field) right in Brooklyn. “All people, Americans, whoever, are at their most civilized when they’re playing cricket,” he says.

“What’s the first thing that happens when Pakistan and India make peace? They play a cricket match. Cricket is instructive, Hans. It has a moral angle. … I say, we want to have something in common with Hindus and Muslims? Chuck Ramkissoon is going to make it happen. With the New York Cricket Club, we could start a whole new chapter in U.S. history. Why not?”

Chuck, who helps Hans practice for his driving test by letting Hans chauffeur him all across New York, is a dreamer. His motto is, literally, “Think fantastic.” (“I didn’t think people had mottoes anymore,” Hans says to him.) But as we find out early in the novel, from the year 2006 looking back, Chuck’s body has been found in the Gowanus Canal. How he ends up there (Chuck runs a gambling ring and, unbeknownst to Hans at first, is using their driving expeditions to tend to business) unfolds throughout the novel, but Netherland doesn’t turn on plot. We are told, at the beginning, that Hans is reunited with his wife and son, after spending years separated from them by the Atlantic Ocean. While the book traces the arc of Hans’s marriage, the story is less linear than circular: Hans’s memories take him back and forth in time, from 2008 to 2001 and the years in between, but also back to his childhood in The Hague and, in a lovely scene, one particular day playing hooky from school so he could go ice skating. When his mother unexpectedly shows up, Hans fears punishment. Instead, she falls in beside him and joins him in this stolen moment.

What Netherland captures, in prose most writers would kill for, are moments of life breaking into pieces and then, slowly and unexpectedly, rearranging themselves into something different but still whole. “A life seemed like an odd story,” Hans muses, and O’Neill captures that exactly: the oddity of living in New York after 9/11; of losing your wife and son, then regaining them through no real virtue of your own; of being an immigrant in a country of promise and opportunity that nonetheless makes something as straightforward as obtaining a driver’s license an infuriating, dehumanizing exercise; and of finding a home among strangers who are invisible to most of America, engaging in a foreign game, on the margins of New York City.

Near the end of the book, Hans sits at his computer in London and uses Google Maps to search for Bald Eagle Field. The field, like Chuck’s vision for it and Chuck himself, has died: “It is brown — the grass has burned — but it is still there. There’s no trace of a batting square. The equipment shed is gone. I’m just seeing a field.” Hans continues,

I am contending with a variety of reactions, and consequently with a single brush on the touch pad I flee upward into the atmosphere and at once have in my sights the physical planet. … From up here, though, a human’s movement is a barely intelligible thing. Where would he move to, and for what? There is no sign of nations, no sense of the so-called work of man.

As he does throughout the book, O’Neill whips us from the microscopic to the wide lens. I finished Netherland thinking I had read about a dozen things that O’Neill never even put on the page.

UPDATE: My colleague Mark Hoobler has a much more thorough review (from a New Yorker’s perspective), which I’m pleased to say is better than mine, here.

Categories: books

Special Ladies Edition for Friday Recommends : Anne of Green Gables

June 20, 2008 · Leave a Comment

Ben and I know a couple named Chris & Tory Tolles who, because of Tory’s affinity for Anne of Green Gables, honeymooned on Prince Edward Island. Most people would scoff at such an idea. No all-inclusive, all-you-can-eat, all-the-sun-you-can-take resort? To me, it sounds like a Canadian piece of heaven, but I’m prone to burning rather than tanning, and I can never say no to free croissants at two a.m.

I, like Tory, adored the sassy, spirited redhead from Avonlea, and recently devoted ten hours to rewatching the Anne of Green Gables movies. If in your head you’re calling me a slug, you’re not too far off. But I’m happy to kick off my summer holiday from teaching by spending six hundred minutes with my favorite Canadians. It had been over a decade since I watched either of the first two films. Since then, a third installment revealed that Anne & Gilbert have grown up considerably, finally married, and together encountered headier challenges than simply figuring out which bottle is raspberry cordial and not currant wine, or how to handle the impossible nature of the Pringles clan at King Ladies College.

When I was a girl, I wanted to be Anne Shirley. I romanticized the idea of being an orphan, rising from the ashes of poverty and anonymity into a loved, accepted, and accomplished young woman. I was certain that, were she real, Anne and I would be best friends kindred spirits, and even more certain that Gilbert Blythe would want to marry me.

Watching the first two movies again, I had the exact same feelings as when I was younger. I loved to watch Anne get herself into messy situations then struggle to climb out. I knew just about every line from every scene. Even the music was familiar. This being a special ladies blog post, I can say here that I cried for much of the film. A piece of my childhood is embedded in those movies.

I was less sure what to make of the third film. While curious what time had done to Anne & Gilbert (who, I am relieved to say, were still played by Megan Follows and Jonathan Crombie), I was also reluctant to let go of their childhood selves and release them from Prince Edward Island into marriage, a world war, and all the messiness of adulthood.

So even if you can’t honeymoon there, carve out half a day sometime soon to visit Prince Edward Island. Then convince your husband it would be in everyone’s best interests to relocate there pronto.

Categories: Friday Recommends · movies
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Insert witty comment here

June 19, 2008 · Leave a Comment

We have tried long and hard. We have spent many a night up late, putting our heads together, talking, pleading, discussing, compromising, arguing, fighting, throwing things, shouting, crying, hugging, thinking, hoping – at last! — we might have had a breakthrough, but we still just can’t figure out how to win The New Yorker Cartoon Caption Contest.

Take this week’s contest (#150).

                           

You start with the obvious captions to get those out of the way so your mind can move on to more fertile creative soil. “Not a very good shot, are you, Larry?” This is not funny because Larry is clearly not a very good shot. Why is Larry trying to shoot himself? Maybe the comedy needs to be mined from the tragedy in Larry’s soul. Something like, “Larry, this isn’t always about you.” Now we’re moving in the right direction, tapping into the rhythms of Thurberesque marital slapstick. We look at the woman. What pithy and devastating retort is just waiting to come out of those lips? ”Now I see why you never got that Scout badge for marksmanship.” Dumb. “Should I tell the Meinbergs to come back Thursday for bridge?” Lame. “Try aiming where your head isn’t.” Better, but it still doesn’t zing.

Thirty minutes, then an hour passes. Scratch paper is crinkled all over the floor. Nothing has ever been or ever will be funny again. Irony is dead. Resignation sets in: We’re not going to win this week. Last-second desperation leads us to scribble something terrible like, “Would you like to makeover the kitchen next, Mister Ty-Pennington-Is-A-Dillweed?” Pride keeps us from submitting this so the editors can’t have the pleasure of shaking their heads in saddened disgust.

We give up.

But there’s always next week.

(Ben still thinks he should’ve won Caption Cartoon Contest #6 for “Yeah, triplets! They can be hell though.”)

Categories: Uncategorized