Thank you, Joseph & Mary Tufts, for the very generous gift of The Nicolas Cage Adventure Set! This peel-and-post set (which unexpectedly arrived in our mailbox yesterday) allows you to place Mr. Cage in various states of thespian poise against a dungeon or beach backdrop. Check out just a few of our creations!
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Buy your own Nicolas Cage Adventure Set (and other cool stuff) at BrandonBird.com.
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Tagged: Nic Cage
“Venison does make a great stocking stuffer.”
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This year’s seasonal addition to the Voreblog DVD library is A Colbert Christmas. (It joins Elf, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, A Christmas Story, The Office Christmas Special, Joyeux Noël, Bloom County’s A Wish For Wings That Work (on VHS), and Die Hard.) Featuring guest appearances by such musical guests as John Legend (whose song “Nutmeg” includes no less than five sexual innuendos), Willie Nelson (as a fourth wise man) and Elvis Costello (who has the misfortune of being mauled by a bear), A Colbert Christmas produces its own Christmas miracle by making us hate Toby Keith less. It also ends (spoiler alert!) with Santa Claus shanking a grizzly bear. (We’d like to see Frosty pull that one off.)
The special features include a “Video Yule Log” of burning books which can be played on a loop if, say, you wanted to play it in the background to amuse/offend partygoers.
In the words of Mr. Legend, We’re gonna go find a meg so we can nut it.
→ 2 CommentsCategories: Friday Recommends · Television
Tagged: A Colbert Christmas, Stephen Colbert
Our cat and occasional guest blogger Scooter Thomas requested that he be allowed to write today’s post. We have granted his request.
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Ahem.
Far be it from me to question the sanity of my dear owners, who are, all things considered, decent people if not occasionally vulgar (the female), boorish (the male), or condescending (both). Regardless, they fill up my food dish once a day, so I’ll count my blessings.
They have recently pulled a stunt, however, which baffles the feline mind. As if in accordance with some lunar cycle, they have once again planted a fake tree in my favorite sitting spot upstairs.
Behold.
I seem to recall these shenanigans taking place more than once before. This begs a number of questions:
I’ve long resigned myself to the exquisite pleasures of cohabitating with stupider life forms. But these kinds of stunts leave me speechless. Though I risk repercussion for openly flouting the powers that be, there comes a time when one must speak truth to power. That time is now. And I will remain silent no longer.
Thank you.
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EDITOR’S NOTE: While we refrain from editing/censoring his posts (no matter how slanderous), we are posting these pictures of Scooter Thomas — who recently collapsed in front of his water dish and then leaned forward to lap the water because he apparently could not muster the strength to stand — as further proof that he is nothing but a corpulent freeloader.
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BONUS! Scooter Thomas’s friend Oscar The Cat (whom you can friend on Facebook) has sent this informative link entitled “17 Things Worth Knowing About Your Cat.” Fact: Scooter Thomas could not outrun Usain Bolt.
→ 8 CommentsCategories: Scooter Thomas
Tagged: holidays
Former Nets coach Lawrence Frank demonstrates his competence at the “Sprinkler” dance move, awaits call from Tom Bergeron.
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I (Ben) intend to follow through on my pledge to do more non-Jazz NBA blogging this year, so this will be the first of what one hopes (or for the majority of our readership, perhaps, does not hope) will become a monthly fixture.
We’ll begin each with a quick Jazz overview:
RECORD TO DATE: 9-7, 2½ games behind Denver
BEST GAME: A 90-83 win against the Spurs, Utah’s first victory in San Antonio this decade. (Not one current Jazz player was in the NBA the last time Utah won in San Antonio.)
WORST GAME: A 104-99 loss to the Kings … at home. Rookie Tyreke Evans lit up Utah for 32 points and the Jazz blew a 15-point first half lead. Did I mention the game was at home? Against the Kings?
BOOZER STATUS: Still wearing a Jazz uniform … and arguably Utah’s best player so far this season (20-10 on 55% shooting). This puts me in a conundrum since I don’t like Boozer and think he’s bad for team chemistry. But his trade value can only go up if he keeps turning in double-doubles.
ENCOURAGING SIGNS: Boozer isn’t a complete locker room cancer — yet … The offense is sharp. Utah is second in FG% behind the Suns (who are fun to watch again now that Shaq isn’t bogging down the offense) … Andrei Kirilenko has not allowed his blogging exploits to interfere with play this year, putting up a 13-5-3 off the bench … Utah plays 6 of the next 8 at home … Kyrylo Fesenko scored a career high 9 points against Portland!
DISCOURAGING SIGNS: Utah has no perimeter threat. The Jazz shoot a decent 34% from beyond the arc but only Memphis attempts fewer threes. With Kyle Korver out, Utah has no one to stretch the defense … Ronnie Brewer still has the league’s ugliest jump shot for a 2-guard … Kosta Koufos has put up an 0-fer in the last three games … Utah has already dropped three games at home. It used to be the Jazz would only lose three at home all season. But as some friendly Cavs fans reminded me, that’s also known as “the past.”
OBLIGATORY MARK EATON PHOTO:
He’s tall!
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Now that that’s out of my system, let’s (mercifully) move on to the rest of the league. General observations:
Carmelo Anthony is making the jump. I never saw Anthony play at Syracuse until the NCAA championship game against Kansas. I was fully prepared to hate him. It was nothing personal — I just believe in hating anyone who’s good who plays for Syracuse. (See Coleman, Derrick; Seikaly, Rony; McNamara, Gerry; Devendorf, Eric.) But I found myself rooting for Anthony — at first begrudgingly, then whole-heartedly. Despite his occasional forays into punkishness, Melo has been on the up-and-up for a while now, and this season looks to be his coming out party. He leads the league in scoring (30.9 a game) and Denver looks legit in the West. He also did this to Paul Millsap.
Moving on. (I can’t believe I posted that of my own free will.)
Greg Brandon Jennings might actually make basketball in Milwaukee worth watching. Not since Sidney Moncrief and Jack Sikma have the good people of Milwaukee been so excited. And with good reason.
Everyone out West not from Minnesota or Memphis is good. You could argue that Golden State should be thrown in the “not good” category as well, but I disagree. (More in a second.) Aside from the perennially bad Grizzlies and the truly atrocious T-Wolves, there aren’t many other pushovers in the West anymore. Both Oklahoma City and Sacramento won in Utah, while even the Clippers are within spitting distance of .500 … and Blake Griffin hasn’t played a game yet. Right now only one team between New Orleans, Houston and Oklahoma City would make the playoffs, while some mediocre Eastern Conference team like Charlotte, Indiana or Toronto will make the playoffs with a sub-.500 record. I promise to gripe about this all season.
David Stern cracks down on Twitter. Amare Stoudemire and Tyson Chandler apparently believe that $53 a character isn’t too steep to keep their Twitter feeds updated.
Golden State is the headcase team of the NBA this year … yet it still might be good!
First Stephen Jackson decides over the summer he wants out of the Bay Area — even though he’s the team captain and he signed an extension in 2008. Then during a preseason game he picks up five fouls and a technical within ten minutes. (Note: This requires effort.) Coach Don Nelson apparently didn’t like that. Words were exchanged. Then Jackson’s agent Mark Stevens name checks every skeleton in Nellie’s closet, omitting only that Nellie willfully and repeatedly ran over Jackson’s dog Peetie when Jackson was a kid. Jackson gets traded (to Charlotte), but Nellie comes down with pneumonia or some such disease which causes him to divvy out PT according to an arcane Mayan numerical code which is also responsible for actors such as John Cusack making terrible career choices. All this and Golden State still goes into Dallas with just six players and beats the Mavs behind 37 points from Monta Ellis. Then, two games later, the Warriors lose 130-97 at home to the Lakers. Now Ellis wants to be traded. Only Yellow Thunder could make sense of all this for us.
No team should sign Allen Iverson. He’ll always have a special place in my heart for putting up 48 in game one of the 2001 Finals, but it’s not 2001 anymore, and nobody would benefit from an 34-year-old alpha dog with beta dog skills. Unless maybe it was Golden State.
Someone will have to win next Sunday in Madison Square Garden. And it just might be New Jersey! Don’t expect the Nets to beat either Dallas or Charlotte this week, but don’t be surprised if they get their first win on December 6 against the woeful Knicks. New York (currently 3-14) will be 3-17 by that point and just 1-9 at home. Scalpers outside will be giving away kerosene and matches along with tickets so you can light yourself on fire at any point during the game (but preferably before tip-off).
LeBron James and 2010. I think LeBron is staying in Cleveland. Chris Ballard makes the case he should do so for the NBA’s minimum wage.
Also, I didn’t include this in my Jazz/Cavs post, but I think it’s fantastic that Daniel Gibson’s community benefit group is called “Boobie’s Ballers.”
Scott Guldin says Taj Gibson “might be the worst Bulls starter ever.” I still find this hard to believe, but I’m going to defer to Scott on this one. I learned this little tidbit in one of the 21 texts we exchanged during last Thursday’s Jazz/Bulls game. He rates Gibson below Khalid el-Amin, Pete Myers and Aaron Gray. I pulled out Stacey King but Scott informed me he was never a starter. Scott also sent a different text that said, “Carlos Boozer lied to a blind man.”
→ 8 CommentsCategories: sports
Tagged: NBA, Utah Jazz
Fantastic Mr. Fox, flanked by loyal Opossum and demolitions expert Beaver.
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What else are we thankful for this Thanksgiving? Well, for starters, the superb Fantastic Mr. Fox. As children, neither of us read this particular Roald Dahl book, and we didn’t know what we were getting into except that it was directed by one of our favorites, Wes Anderson.
Fantastic Mr. Fox was filmed using stop-motion animation and wasn’t short on chapter titles, one of Anderson’s highly stylized tricks, to mark different scenes. The voices (George Clooney, Meryl Streep, Jason Schwartzman, among others) and dialogue are pitch-perfect. Of course Bill Murray would play a badger, of course Michael Gambon was the skinny, slightly-crazed and drunk corporate villain, and of course Owen Wilson was the Whackbat coach. (What’s Whackbat? See the film to find out; we promise it’s cooler than quidditch.)
The film is visually stunning and the music catchy, but like Anderson’s other films, Fox sticks with the viewer because of individual moments. It’s hard not to tear up when Mrs. Fox tells her husband that she’s pregnant; it’s difficult not to laugh when Ash (Schwartzman) tells his crush that she’s a “disloyal” lab partner for flirting with Ash’s cousin Kristofferson in chemistry class; and it’s nearly impossible not to be struck (with awe? inspiration? the beauty of the wild world?) by the sublime moment near the end of the film when Mr. Fox and a wolf sharing a long distance fist salute.
Other perks? A Jarvis Cocker song; Mr. Fox’s versatility with Latin names; the rampant but child-friendly cussing; and Willem Dafoe’s character, a menacing rat, whose body and speech habits invoke Jesus from The Big Lebowski.
Those of you who are Wes Anderson devotees will note the striking similarities between Mr. Fox and Royal Tenenbaum (not to mention Danny Ocean), and likewise with Ash and Chas Tenenbaum. Of course, every Wes Anderson film bears some relation to one another, which in our book is only a good thing.
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Tagged: Wes Anderson
What are we thankful for this year? David Porterfield cooking us breakfast. Not having to wake up at 1 a.m to work tomorrow. Google maps to help us translate Donna Vore’s directions. Bulls-Jazz on TNT tonight. Friends & family. And you reading this blog.
Enjoy your tryptophan coma.
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Tagged: family, friends
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For the fourth year running we are spending the day before Thanksgiving in Columbus, partaking in the finest that German Village has to offer: specifically, The Book Loft and its neighbor, Cup O Joe and the MoJoe Lounge. It has become a little pre-Thanksgiving tradition for us, perusing the labyrinthine offerings next door before camping out at the coffee shop with a hot beverage, newspapers and a stack of books (Eating Animals, Let The Great World Spin and The Poisonwood Bible). In certain religious traditions, while this may not qualify as heaven, it might be the bookstore and coffee shop you visit just outside heaven.
Should you find yourself in the greater Columbus area in the not-too-distant future, you owe it to yourself to stop at both.
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Tagged: Things To Love About Ohio
The less said about this, the better.
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Twilight may not have been a good movie, but it was at least a fun one. You know, the kind you could watch four times in ten days.
New Moon is not only a bad movie, it is one you will probably not wish to see ever again. Unless you enjoy painfully long, talky scenes of teenage angst and cheesy CGI werewolves. Each of the three stars, Bella (Kristen Stewart), Edward (Robert Pattinson) and Jacob (Taylor Lautner, whose muscular physique and sexual charisma both resemble a rock), are stuck doing the same thing over and over again. Bella is either sullen or conflicted. Edward is either conflicted or taking downers before every scene. Jacob is either taking his shirt off or thinking about ways to take his shirt off. Put these three sad sacks in a love triangle involving motorcycle repair, attempted suicide and border disputes, then throw in disembodied wisps of Edward scolding Bella every time she wants to do something dangerous (like, say, hop on a bike with a strange man 20 or 30 years her senior … c’mon, Edward, let her live a little!), not to mention some criminally repressed vampire types called Volturi, and you’ve got a real stinker of a movie.
As for the soundtrack: Pretty good. The Lykke Li and Thom Yorke tracks are the high points, although in the movie Yorke’s song ( “Hearing Damage”) has the misfortune of being the backdrop for an interminably long werewolf-vampire chase scene that appears to be stuck on repeat.
→ 4 CommentsCategories: movies
Tagged: Twilight
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At my job I (Ben) often get to handle customer complaints. Whether I’m any good at it may best be answered by those doing the complaining. As with all things, you get better with practice. So this little Saturday morning homily is not a seminar from an expert, just observations from someone on the learning curve.
First, it’s important to distinguish exactly which kind of complaint you’re dealing with here. I think there are two main categories: Justified and Unjustified.
Justified scenario: You have provided poor service. You or someone you manage has slighted the customer through rudeness, oversight or incompetence. Examples: You overcharge someone or leave an item out of their bag. You screw up their food order. You insult their personal appearance, their taste in literature or their appalling lack of fashion sense. You serve them undercooked wings and give them food poisoning and hire Jeremy Piven as a spokesperson. Etc.
Unjustified scenario: You have provided reasonable, maybe even exemplary, service but it is unequal to the customer’s desires (however unreasonable those may be). You moved mountains but didn’t walk on water. You did not have the book or CD or piece of clothing she wanted. You did not make a plane arrive on time. You did not not cook a meal that was as tasty as the one he had years before and has committed to memory with incomparable nostalgia. You did not prevent a hundred other people from rearranging their schedules so as to not impede the pre-made plans of your disgruntled customer’s Saturday. You did not murder in cold blood the person in the Toyota Camry who stole your customer’s spot even when he clearly saw it first and had his turn signal on to indicate this fact. You are incapable of making someone’s spouse finally forgive her or father love him more. You cannot personally bestow unto him or her the peace that passeth all understanding. Etc.
Both scenarios require the same basics in the tool kit: The ability to listen, empathize, apologize, make restitution. Every customer, regardless of scenario, wants to be heard. But from henceforth, I will address only the second category of complaint, the Unjustified.
The Unjustified Complaint always results from the customer not getting what she wanted. The sooner you acknowledge this and apologize for this fact ( “I realize you wanted x, and I’m sorry we couldn’t deliver x for you”), the sooner you arrive at the fork in the road. The customer will either be disarmed by you cutting to the chase (and may even come to her senses and say, “You’re right, my complaining is pointless”), or — more likely — she will redouble her efforts because you are trying, sincerely, to be direct, kind and understanding. Most angry customers hate this.
“If your enemy is hungry, give him food to eat; if he is thirsty, give him water to drink,” say the Proverbs. “In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” That last part sounds a bit like retribution, but Eugene Peterson translates it a little differently: “Your generosity will surprise him with goodness.”
This is really the only way I know how to deal with an Unjustified Customer Complaint. The customer has pain to dispense, and you give him back kindness.
This is of course the hardest path to take. You (I) want an eye for an eye. It doesn’t take long in retail to wonder if you have a bull’s-eye pinned to your chest. Even if you manage to avoid repaying an unkind customer with unkindness, you still have the problem of inheriting it. The Unjustified customers will win this battle nine times out of ten. They will resort to name-calling. They will spit bile and condescension. They will say, to use one example from my week, “I will do everything possible to take my business away from a store run by a bunch of flippin’ morons.” (Use your creativity to substitute other words for “flippin’.”)
What next? If you give into temptation, you will unload this venom on someone else. Maybe someone you manage, maybe someone you love. Then everyone’s miserable.
To borrow a spiritual analogy, it’s part of what Christians believe about Jesus dying on the cross. When handed injustice and persecution, Jesus took it but didn’t give it back. You don’t even have to believe that the symbolic weight of that injustice is “sin” or subscribe to the idea of atonement to agree with the basic transaction there. Something stopped at Jesus and went no further.
An Unjustified Customer Complaint isn’t persecution (or, obviously, crucifixion), but it’s the meager spiritual offering I could make this week, and I tried to receive it without passing it on. I resisted saying to that customer, “Well, your mom is a flippin’ moron. Sha-blam!” But just barely. You start where you are.
Enough preposterous spiritual/retail analogies for a Saturday. Especially a day off.
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Tagged: faith, Jeremy Piven, retail
When not writing footnotes, Mike Allen (left) and Erik Brueggemann (right) are bodybuilders.
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by MIKE ALLEN and ERIK BRUEGGEMANN
This was an email exchange over a day or so by Mr. Allen and myself (Erik) – I have not fixed any typos cause they’re emails and who the hell cares – it also must be mentioned that one of us sent most of his from his phone and he doesn’t really like capitalizing (it’s too much work). We thank Ben for giving us this opportunity – I thank Ben for allowing me to listen to voicemail messages from Mike complaining that I’m dropping the ball and not getting this done. Mike thanks Paul Rudd.
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M -> E
What are you going to write about?
Are you seriously going to recommend that stupid Coolio cookbook?¹
I guess it couldn’t get much worse than the Kanye West photo or multiple plugs for Joseph-Beth that they’ve been hacking out.
E -> M
them crooked vultures, deadwood (just to see how many times I can say cocksucker² in a paragraph), barb johnson, and jerking off.³
M -> E
He just recommended Barb Johnson. Or was that another plug for where he works?
I was recommending Role Models to him back when it was new. He’s ignored me for nearly a year now.
How could you not find this funny?
E -> M
And I will continue to ignore everything you say – dude, the barb johnson event was last week. This week’s event is with, hold on – do you smell something – it smells like brimstone…
But – seriously, barb johnson writes better than 99% of the other writers out there. Except maybe pete dexter – spooner is hilarious. sample sentence:
“The fish sticks were about as appetizing as a plate full of limp dicks.” (I’m paraphrasing).
While we’re on topic: what about deadwood mike, isn’t that your thing – did you really want to lead off with role models? Really? It’s your bed champ – so which is your preferred method for deadwood absorption – is it the show or the book. Oh, wait? Do you still read books?
I would quote from deadwood (the book) about what a waste a certain bodily fluid is at it puddles on the floor but let’s just let you use your imagination: go get a thimble full of pond water, look at it under a microscope, and see those things – those are amoebas and they will die.
M -> E
Seriously? Barb Johnson is your pretentious-writer-posing-as-a-REAL-artist that you’re pushing now? Because I remember your infatuations with Ray Pollock (2008), Cormac McCarthy (2007), Chuck Palahniuk (2006), etc. etc. etc.¹*
Don’t judge me for picking Role Models. Paul Rudd is the most underrated actor in Hollywood. There I said it. He’s a poor man’s Jason Bateman for Christ’s sake.
I can definitely get down with some Deadwood — you can NOT beat Ian McShane. As evidenced by:
I also tried for about a year to get Ben to watch that. I think he rented the first three seasons of Charmed instead. What can I do?
E -> M
1) Pollack still stands, 2) mccarthy would be our dear friend penny, 3) palahniuk has been worthless ever since fight club – is your memory really that bad? It must be since you have forgotten paul rudds performance in – _________ ²* – although he was hilarious in I love you, man.
Ben tried to get me to watch charmed. That and sabrina – ben has a thing for witches – he always wants me to watch the craft with him.
M -> E
Yes, he was hilarious in I love you man. He was also hilarious in Knocked up. He’s great in Role Models. He even wrote the thing. And that douchebag from the American pie movies is even kinda funny in it.
I thought there would be some weird werewolf thing with Ben. Did you see his forearm in those photos from his trip to Cleveland? It looks like Popeye made love to a Chia Pet. Gross.³*
Ok, so what do we have now for the recommends? Deadwood? Role models? Your Barb Johnson book?
Who knew this would be so much work?
E – > M
I believe we are missing some music – can you think of any outstanding music that came out this week? You know how ben is always talking about wilco.
This is work – probably why bens often fall flat but are genius when he doesn’t think about it (perhaps this is an allusion to something besides voreblog posts?¹** What do you think mr. Vore?).
M -> E
I would recommend downloading at least one song (I like No one loves me and neither do I) from the Them Crooked Vultures album.²**
There’s got to be at least one Josh Homme band for everyone and this isn’t a bad intro (heavier than desert sessions, lighter than queens of the stone age or eagles of death metal, less stoned than kyuss).
E – > M
I really have nothing else to day.
What have we learned? Mike likes to make fun of me and vice-versa and we both love to make fun of Ben. Mike and I enjoy the same things. Forced comedic efforts almost always fall flat.³** Doing this was like a homework assignment you procrastinate on until you’re forced to do it by vore+ (hence, my vore recommends post from months ago that was going to be called “babies” that I failed so miserably on and never did). I’m sorry ben and I hope you’ll forgive me but I have three kids. But I will recommend this to vore+ specifically: make a friggin baby – keep on trying and you’ll at least have some fun and burn some calories and you’ll be outstanding parents. And this to Mr. Allen – move in together for the love of christ. Stop dragging your feet. She will let you play with your G. I. Joe’s in your underpants at 2AM – colleen lets me, hell sometimes I even let her be Snake Eyes.
So, to close with – to ben and mike: get’r done.
That is all.¹***
→ 8 CommentsCategories: Friday Recommends
Tagged: Cormac McCarthy, friends
